Most of us start our marriages in that blissful, love-filled state we had while dating. But all too often that close relationship we had with our mate before marriage deteriorates into a series of unresolved conflicts and unhealed hurts.
Couples trapped in the pattern of unresolved offense-hurt-anger with no idea of how to resolve their differences are caught in what we call an “open loop.”
The pattern of offense-hurt-anger is just the beginning of a cycle of conflict that has two possible endings. The first outcome—an open loop—happens when conflict goes unaddressed and unresolved. Or a couple can choose to work through the process of “closing the loop” through forgiveness.
We want to coach you on five biblical steps for sharing forgiving love with your spouse and closing the loop of offense and hurt.
Step 1: Prepare Your Heart
Healing begins only when one or both partners choose to engage in the necessary heart work that clears the way for closing the loop. Here are several elements in the process of heart preparation:
Humble yourself and pray. Prayer softens our hearts. Prayer helps us reprioritize. While you’re talking to God, tell him that you are committed to loving your spouse, to humility, and to obedience.
Look for the underlying cause of the conflict. Sort through the surface stuff and look for the real source of the hurt. Is your anger really about the offense, or did something else set you off?
Commit to making your relationship the top priority. One of the greatest saboteurs of healthy relationships is the tendency to put them on the back burner. Your relationship will become a safe place to resolve conflicts as you commit to God and to each other to keep the relationship alive no matter what.
Involve a trusted accountability partner. The more deeply rooted the conflict and hurt, the more important it is to involve a trustworthy third party who will hold you accountable for closing the loop. It should be someone who loves and respects both you and your spouse equally and who will guard your relationship with the utmost confidentiality.
Step 2: Communicate Your Feelings
Communication in the context of closing the loop involves honestly describing your thoughts and feelings about the offense you suffered. To effectively communicating your feelings to your spouse:
Think ahead about what you want to say. Make a list or write a paragraph on each issue so you will be able to state your grievances simply and clearly.
Recognize gender differences in communication. Men sometimes zoom straight to the point, omitting details. Women sometimes meander through every detail, clouding the bottom line. Men want to hear the bottom line; women want to have a context for the bottom line.
Get a referee. When the issues are too big or too painful to deal with on your own, find an objective, trustworthy third party to help you talk them out.
Deliver your whole message. Speak kindly and calmly, but say all that you have come to say. A whole message consists of thoughts, feelings, and needs.
Commit to listening. As you listen to your spouse describe the offense and hurt, resist the urge to defend yourself or prove him or her wrong. Listen first and then ask questions that lead to clarification and understanding.
Focus on the positive. Affirm positive traits or habits. Say things such as, “I appreciate . . .” or “I am so grateful that . . .” or “You are so good at . . .”
Avoid the silent treatment. Sometimes spouses give each other the silent treatment, thinking that the silence will communicate their perspective. Don’t mistake silence for communication.
Say what you mean. Don’t say, “I hate football” if what you really mean is, “I wish we could spend some quality time together on Saturday afternoons.” Before you speak, think carefully about what really upsets you.
Don’t use generalizations. Avoid saying “You never…” or “You always…” They are usually exaggerations, and they are not helpful.
Use I-messages. “I sometimes feel ignored and lonely” goes down a lot easier than, “You never pay any attention to me.” Focus on your thoughts and feelings rather than harp on your spouse’s failures.
Agree on a plan for handling conflicts. Answer this question with your spouse: How do we want to talk to each other when a conflict arises?
Step 3: Confront Your Conflicts
Even in the atmosphere of team spirit and honest communication, certain hot-button issues must be confronted and resolved. We would like to offer you a four-word phrase that will help disarm the conflict and set the stage for the decision-making discussion. It is: “Let’s pray together first.”
Prayer takes two people on opposite sides of an issue and welcomes into the debate a third person—Jesus. Once you have prayed, the most practical way to make Jesus part of this decision-making step is by going to the Bible to find solutions.
Here are some other ideas for loving confrontation:
Choose an appropriate time and setting. Select a time and place that minimize distractions and guarantee privacy from the children.
Ask permission to address the conflict. Make sure your spouse is ready to face the issue before you bring it up.
Avoid statements that assign blame. I-statements encourage discussion; you-statements shut it down. Start your sentences with “I feel . . .” or “I think . . .” rather than “You are . . .” or “You should . . .”
Step 4: Forgive Your Spouse
The core of forgiving love is the act of forgiveness. This stage can be difficult, yet it brings the greatest amount of healing. Whole forgiveness takes two people—one seeking forgiveness and one granting it.
Requesting Forgiveness
Think of a conflict you have experienced recently with your spouse, and imagine how it could be resolved by making the following statements:
“I was wrong.” When you need forgiveness, it’s not enough to say, “Okay, if you think I did something wrong...” We need to confront the wrong for what it is.
“I’m sorry.” Admitting wrong behavior is vitally important, but it’s not enough. You need to express your sorrow over the hurt your wrong behavior caused. It takes both elements for your spouse to sense your sincerity.
“I don’t ever want to hurt you like this again.” This is a statement of repentance and is different from the first two statements. It expresses your desire to change and turn from your hurtful ways.
“Will you forgive me?” At this point you demonstrate the ultimate humility in the process of seeking forgiveness. This question brings the process of forgiveness to a resolution.
If you leave out any of the four elements of your request for forgiveness, you risk leaving the conflict unresolved.
Granting Forgiveness
The spouse from whom forgiveness has been requested must respond in two ways: grant forgiveness graciously and grant it specifically.
“I forgive you, and close the loop on this issue.” Forgiving graciously means letting go of the offense and welcoming your spouse back into your heart. This is the way God forgives us. Forgiveness is a no-strings-attached gift in response to our humble confession of sin. You must graciously forgive your spouse because God has graciously forgiven you.
“I forgive you for . . .” Forgiving specifically means stating the wrong for which your spouse has asked you to forgive him or her. By naming the issue, you assure your spouse how complete and inclusive your forgiveness is.
Once forgiveness happens, you can move toward reconciliation.
Step 5: Rebuild Your Trust
Your spouse may be willing to forgive you, but for true restoration to occur you must be willing to work at rebuilding your spouse’s trust over a period of time. You need to prove to your spouse over the long haul that your confession, contrition, and repentance are genuine.
Throughout your marriage, you will frequently find yourself at the familiar fork in the road, the choice between ignoring hurt and deciding to close the loop. No marriage completely escapes the pattern of offense-hurt-anger. But every time you choose the healing process of closing the loop, you will experience the healing power of forgiving love. And you will be one step closer to recapturing the dream you left at the altar.
*For more about how to unlock the biblical secrets to a marriage that stays vibrant and strong for a lifetime check out our book 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love in our online bookstore!