Strong Communication Leads to a Strong Marriage

Is communication a strength in your marriage? Or a weakness? Do you and your spouse connect well?

Communication is the process of sharing yourself verbally and non-verbally in such a way that your spouse both understands and accepts—though not necessarily agrees with—what you are sharing.

Studies show that couples who communicate frequently have a more satisfying relationship. And couples who achieve deep levels of communication enjoy the most satisfaction of all.

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Try these communication skills:

1.  Take one issue at a time. A full day’s worth of news and experiences and troubles can be overwhelming. Pouring everything out at once seldom gives your spouse much information about anything. It’s one way we tend to skim over our issues and never get to the core of them. You can help your spouse stay on track with a few helpful phrases: “Tell me more about . . .” or “What were you saying about . . ?” or “That sounds like another issue. Let’s talk about the other one first and come back to this one later.”

2.  Allow one person to speak at a time. When you are communicating with your spouse, keep him or her in the spotlight. When your spouse is expressing, give him or her room for full expression—no interruptions, no feedback. If you both fight to be heard at the same time, communication is bound to break down.

3.  Be specific and to the point. One of you may start at the main point and go from there. The other may talk around a topic until eventually arriving at the point. You need to take the time to hear each other.

4.  Listen. The biggest single step you can take to improve communication in your marriage is to improve listening. James 1:19 says, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” If you want your spouse to freely share his or her heart with you, you must convey with absolute certainty that he or she has your undivided attention. Listening attentively isn’t easy. Maintaining eye contact may be unnerving to you and jumping in with a solution may be hard to resist. However, listening is the key to understanding your spouse’s needs.

5. Respond appropriately. At some point after listening, of course, you must respond. The point is not for you to introduce your own agenda, but to clarify and fully understand what your spouse is expressing. You can get into trouble at this point if you fail to look out for your spouse’s best interest.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Close the Loop of Conflict

Most of us start our marriages in that blissful, love-filled state we had while dating. But all too often that close relationship we had with our mate before marriage deteriorates into a series of unresolved conflicts and unhealed hurts.

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Couples trapped in the pattern of unresolved offense-hurt-anger with no idea of how to resolve their differences are caught in what we call an “open loop.”

The pattern of offense-hurt-anger is just the beginning of a cycle of conflict that has two possible endings. The first outcome—an open loop—happens when conflict goes unaddressed and unresolved. Or a couple can choose to work through the process of “closing the loop” through forgiveness.

We want to coach you on five biblical steps for sharing forgiving love with your spouse and closing the loop of offense and hurt.

Step 1: Prepare Your Heart

Healing begins ­only when one or both partners choose to engage in the necessary heart work that clears the way for closing the loop. Here are several elements in the process of heart preparation:

Humble yourself and pray. Prayer softens our hearts. Prayer helps us reprioritize. While you’re talking to God, tell him that you are committed to loving your spouse, to humility, and to obedience.

Look for the ­underlying cause of the conflict. Sort through the surface stuff and look for the real source of the hurt. Is your anger ­really about the offense, or did something else set you off?

Commit to making your relationship the top priority. One of the greatest saboteurs of healthy relationships is the tendency to put them on the back burner. Your relationship will become a safe place to resolve conflicts as you commit to God and to each other to keep the relationship alive no matter what.

Involve a trusted accountability partner. The more deeply rooted the conflict and hurt, the more important it is to involve a trustworthy third party who will hold you accountable for closing the loop. It should be someone who loves and respects both you and your spouse equally and who will guard your relationship with the utmost confidentiality.

Step 2: Communicate Your Feelings

Communication in the context of closing the loop involves honestly describing your thoughts and feelings about the offense you suffered. To effectively communicating your feelings to your spouse:

Think ahead about what you want to say. Make a list or write a paragraph on each issue so you will be able to state your grievances simply and clearly.

Recognize gender differences in communication. Men sometimes zoom straight to the point, omitting details. Women sometimes meander through ­every detail, clouding the bottom line. Men want to hear the bottom line; women want to have a context for the bottom line.

Get a referee. When the issues are too big or too painful to deal with on your own, find an objective, trustworthy third party to help you talk them out.

Deliver your whole message. Speak kindly and calmly, but say all that you have come to say. A whole message consists of thoughts, feelings, and needs.

Commit to listening. As you listen to your spouse describe the offense and hurt, resist the urge to defend yourself or prove him or her wrong. Listen first and then ask questions that lead to clarification and understanding.

Focus on the positive. Affirm positive traits or habits. Say things such as, “I appreciate . . .” or “I am so grateful that . . .” or “You are so good at . . .”

Avoid the silent treatment. Sometimes spouses give each other the silent treatment, thinking that the silence will communicate their perspective. Don’t mistake silence for communication.

Say what you mean. Don’t say, “I hate football” if what you really mean is, “I wish we could spend some quality time together on Saturday afternoons.” Before you speak, think carefully about what ­really upsets you.

Don’t use generalizations. Avoid saying “You never…” or “You always…” They are usually exaggerations, and they are not helpful.

Use I-messages. “I sometimes feel ignored and lonely” goes down a lot easier than, “You never pay any attention to me.” Focus on your thoughts and feelings rather than harp on your spouse’s failures.

Agree on a plan for handling conflicts. Answer this question with your spouse: How do we want to talk to each other when a conflict arises?

Step 3: Confront Your Conflicts

Even in the atmosphere of team spirit and honest communication, certain hot-button issues must be confronted and resolved. We would like to offer you a four-word phrase that will help disarm the conflict and set the stage for the decision-making discussion. It is: “Let’s pray together first.”

Prayer takes two people on opposite sides of an issue and welcomes into the debate a third person—­Jesus. Once you have prayed, the most practical way to make Jesus part of this decision-making step is by going to the Bible to find solutions.

Here are some other ideas for loving confrontation:

Choose an appropriate time and setting. Select a time and place that minimize distractions and guarantee privacy from the children.

Ask permission to address the conflict. Make sure your spouse is ready to face the issue before you bring it up.

Avoid statements that assign blame. I-statements encourage discussion; you-statements shut it down. Start your sentences with “I feel . . .” or “I think . . .” rather than “You are . . .” or “You should . . .”

Step 4: Forgive Your Spouse

The core of forgiving love is the act of forgiveness. This stage can be difficult, yet it brings the greatest amount of healing. Whole forgiveness takes two people—one seeking forgiveness and one granting it.

Requesting Forgiveness

Think of a conflict you have experienced recently with your spouse, and imagine how it could be resolved by making the following statements:

“I was wrong.” When you need forgiveness, it’s not enough to say, “Okay, if you think I did something wrong...” We need to confront the wrong for what it is.

“­I’m sorry.” Admitting wrong behavior is vitally important, but it’s not enough. You need to express your sorrow over the hurt your wrong behavior caused. It takes both elements for your spouse to sense your sincerity.

“I ­don’t ­ever want to hurt you like this again.” This is a statement of repentance and is different from the first two statements. It expresses your desire to change and turn from your hurtful ways.

“Will you forgive me?” At this point you demonstrate the ultimate humility in the process of seeking forgiveness. This question brings the process of forgiveness to a resolution.

If you leave out any of the four elements of your request for forgiveness, you risk leaving the conflict unresolved.

Granting Forgiveness

The spouse from whom forgiveness has been requested must respond in two ways: grant forgiveness graciously and grant it specifically.

“I forgive you, and close the loop on this issue.” Forgiving graciously means letting go of the offense and welcoming your spouse back into your heart. This is the way God forgives us. Forgiveness is a no-strings-attached gift in response to our humble confession of sin. You must graciously forgive your spouse because God has graciously forgiven you.

“I forgive you for . . .” Forgiving specifically means stating the wrong for which your spouse has asked you to forgive him or her. By naming the issue, you assure your spouse how complete and inclusive your forgiveness is.

Once forgiveness happens, you can move toward reconciliation.

Step 5: Rebuild Your Trust

Your spouse may be willing to forgive you, but for true restoration to occur you must be willing to work at rebuilding your spouse’s trust over a period of time. You need to prove to your spouse over the long haul that your confession, contrition, and repentance are genuine.

Throughout your marriage, you will frequently find yourself at the familiar fork in the road, the choice between ignoring hurt and deciding to close the loop. No marriage completely escapes the pattern of offense-hurt-anger. But ­every time you choose the healing process of closing the loop, you will experience the healing power of forgiving love. And you will be one step closer to recapturing the dream you left at the altar.

*For more about how to unlock the biblical secrets to a marriage that stays vibrant and strong for a lifetime check out our book 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love in our online bookstore!

The Myths of Forgiveness

Forgiveness can be costly. A major step in the process of forgiveness is releasing your offending spouse, giving up on revenge and retribution, and allowing God to work in your spouse’s heart. It means letting your spouse off the hook and giving up your right to hold an offense over his or her head. And if you are the one who caused offense, forgiveness means surrendering your pride, admitting guilt, and seeking restoration. That’s tough stuff.

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But the benefits found in a renewed relationship are well worth the cost of forgiveness. In fact, the benefits of forgiveness are so overwhelming that if you cannot forgive for the sake of your spouse, you will want to forgive for how it will benefit you alone. Your choice is to let go of the wrongs done against you or to pay a heavy personal price.

The power to forgive in marriage ultimately comes from God. And what you may not realize is there are some myths about forgiveness.

Myth #1: “When I forgive, I must also forget.”

We don’t believe God intends for you to forget the pain you suffer. To the contrary, you are to remember it so you can value the lessons you learned. Remembering also helps to keep you from repeating the same mistakes or needlessly placing yourself in a position where hurt happens.

Myth #2: “The hurt is too great. It is impossible for me to forgive.”

Forgiveness is always possible. God would never command us to do something that is impossible. Forgiveness can overcome the greatest of offenses, even offenses that threaten to drive couples to divorce. Yes, it will hurt, but you must walk through the storm and experience the hurt in order to be able to experience the healing.

Myth #3: “I don’t feel like forgiving, so my forgiveness can’t be genuine.”

Forgiveness really isn’t about feelings. It’s a choice, an act of the will. If you wait until you feel like forgiving, you are choosing to feed the monster of resentment and bitterness. While the choice to forgive supersedes your feelings, it doesn’t deny them. It embraces them and allows you to express them through effective communication, then you can resolve the conflict by entering the process of forgiveness. Even when you don’t feel like forgiving, you need to ask God for strength to enter the process. He will direct you if you honestly seek him.

Myth #4: “I can’t forgive until the other person asks for it.”

You may fantasize about receiving a groveling apology from the offender, but if you wait for that kind of response when your spouse hurts you, you may have to wait a long time. Besides, forgiveness is an act of grace. It’s unmerited love. Your spouse doesn’t have to jump through all the right hoops to earn it. Your forgiveness of others must be patterned after God’s forgiveness of you: Forgiveness cannot be earned. You must offer forgiveness without any conditions. Simply forgive as God does.

Myth #5: “In order to forgive. I must pretend that nothing bad happened.”

Forgiveness doesn’t pretend that nothing happened or that the offense didn’t hurt. Rather, true forgiveness acknowledges what really happened and how badly it hurt, then chooses to let go of the offense. Forgiveness says, “I know what you did, and it really hurt. But in full view of this reality, I choose to forgive you. I do this because of the example and power of Christ, and because I want our relationship to be healed.” Forgiveness never says that a hurt didn’t happen because if it didn’t happen, there would be nothing to forgive.

Myth #6: “I must forgive right away, or it doesn’t count.”

Often this myth is based on Paul’s admonition, “Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26). This verse isn’t a formula for the amount of time it should take to grant forgiveness. It is a command that you should not let anger fester in your heart. Since forgiveness is an act of the will, it may take you some time to come to the point where you are ready to forgive.

Forgiveness is how you bring your relationship into the light. It’s how you set free the offended and the offender and allow for reconciliation. God says you must forgive—because he has forgiven you.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

How Can a Husband be a Spiritual Leader?

Q: I know I’m supposed to be the spiritual leader in my home, but I’m just not comfortable doing that. What can I do? 

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A: The Bible clearly indicates that a believing husband should accept his God-given responsibilities to love, lead, and honor his family. This kind of leadership is a balance between leading and serving. When a man steps into this role, he protects and provides for each member of the family. Biblical leadership is a responsibility that God has given to you. It’s an opportunity for you to serve your family. Jesus’ words in Mark 10:45 beautifully illustrate biblical leadership: “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Jesus left his place of honor at the right hand of God and came to earth in humility to save the world and show what God is really like. Your role is to learn from him and demonstrate the same humility to your wife. Serving your wife at her deepest needs and sacrificing so that she might see more of Jesus will bring a comfort and security that she has never known. 

Since you are given the responsibility to be the spiritual leader, you must cultivate your spirit to be sensitive to the gentle leading and guidance of the Holy Spirit. But the challenge doesn’t end there. Before you are really able to minister to your wife, you must be sensitive to her spirit. It takes real discernment—and patience—on your part to be able to read the complex emotional needs of your wife. But that’s why God gives you a lifetime to do it! It takes humility for a man to become sensitive to the Spirit of God, as well as to his wife. As he learns this humility, however, he’ll enjoy his marriage more than he ever thought possible. 

Servant leadership leads to spiritual intimacy, and this attainable goal can transform you from a husband and wife struggling with egos and battling for control to a loving couple that experiences marriage teamwork at its best! 

Just read what this husband had to say:

“If every married man was told that there was ONE exercise that he could do on a daily basis that would improve his life, improve his attitude, improve his health, improve his marriage, improve his looks, increase his joy, decrease his stress level, and decrease his blood pressure—and that this ONE thing would take about ten minutes a day (give or take a few minutes), and that these improvements were GUARANTEED, and this one thing is available to everyone, it’s FREE, it’s painless and easy, WHY WOULDN’T EVERY MAN JUMP AT THE CHANCE? In addition to the aforementioned attributes, this ONE thing will also: soften a hardened heart, regenerate affection, enhance a gentle spirit, rekindle that flickering romance, restore trust, revive the passion, revitalize the affection, reclaim the love, rebuild the marriage, and resurrect the vows. Just what is this ONE thing? How is this exercise performed? Well, it goes like this . . . the husband takes his wife’s hand into his own, looks tenderly into her eyes, and says, ‘Let’s pray together.’”

Of course, leading your family in prayer can be difficult to get started if you’re not used to it. We suggest that you start with you and your wife privately. Sometimes a man will get a greater sense of success and will feel more comfortable when he does it one on one. If you have kids and they’re all different ages and all sorts of different demands and schedules, sometimes trying to work out prayer time against all those odds can undermine even your best-laid plans. 

Start tonight. Go to your wife, but don’t say, “We’re going to do this every night for the rest of our lives.” Don’t set up that expectation. Just say, “I desire to pray with you this evening. Can I just have a few minutes with you?” Take her into a quiet place of the house or maybe take her on a walk. Take her hand and say, “Can I pray over you and just ask God for a blessing in our marriage and a greater sense of understanding together?” Allow the Holy Spirit to speak through you as you pray. 

Find a time that works. Not when she’s trying to make dinner. Not when the kids are clamoring and she looks exhausted. If she’s a morning person, do it with her early. If she’s a night person, do it before you go to sleep. Pray out loud for things that you are thankful for in your wife’s life. Then try it again tomorrow night and the next night.  

As the two of you are developing the spiritual discipline of prayer as a married couple, your children will see that. They may be a little surprised, but it’s a good thing. You can invite them into your prayer times. The key is to take it slowly. 

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Time Together = A Happier Marriage

Couples who spend time together are happier! Research has actually proven this is true.

The Minnesota Population Center at the University of Minnesota found that married couples in the U.S. are happier and more fulfilled when they are together rather than apart. Researchers looked at how much time was spent with a spouse each day and individual well-being during time spent with a spouse. They found that when a person is with their mate, they are almost twice as happy as when they’re not. They also found couples said their activities held more meaning and were less stressful.

(source: University of Minnesota, “Make Time for Your Spouse-Couples That Spend Time Together Are Happier Individuals)

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But what if you feel like you’re the lowest priority on your spouse’s “to-do” list and don’t get to spend as much time with them as you’d like?

We often hear from husbands and wives who feel they just aren’t a priority in their mate’s life. Often it’s the wife who feels that way, battling for priority against her husband’s job, board memberships, organizations, church activities, etc. However, more and more we find men feeling that their wives just don’t have time for them either. Clearly this is a problem that needs to be dealt with in modern marriages. When we hear these kinds of stories, we recognize that the spouses’ busyness often goes much deeper.

So, think about your spouse for a moment. List out all the activities he or she is involved in and how much time those activities take. Then ask yourself if you think your spouse is trying to fulfill a need to feel significant in the workplace, significant in those organizations, significant in the community. If it’s not significance, maybe it’s performance. Does he or she feel the need to perform?

We ask those questions because often this kind of behavior goes way back. Your spouse may have grown up in a family where, in order to be significant and accepted, he or she had to perform well. Whether it was sports or grades or whatever, your spouse may have felt from early in life that he/she needed to always be doing everything, and do it with everything he/she had. Only then would there be love and acceptance.

When we wrote our book The Five Love Needs of Men and Women, we talked to people all around the country. We asked the question, “What do you need from your mate in order to feel love? What do you need in order to have a great marriage?” The number one thing we learned—and it’s from men and women alike—was that they desired unconditional love and acceptance above all else. Some people never got unconditional love and acceptance as they grew up. So they enter marriage with that baggage.

The next question is tougher: Does your spouse experience unconditional love from you? Does he or she receive love no matter what?

Begin there. Begin by loving unconditionally—even through all the board meetings and other activities. As you build that trust, you can begin to discuss your desire for more time with your spouse. Be honest. Be sincere. Be loving.

*If you want help to better understand your mate, check out our book, The 5 Love Needs of Men and Women. It’s available in our online bookstore!