Make Haste to Make Up

Have you ever hurt your spouse in some way? All right, so it’s a trick question. Of course you have hurt your spouse, just as he or she has hurt you. If not, you either haven’t been married very long (like maybe five minutes!) or one of you isn’t human! Even the best of relationships is vulnerable to slights and slams, criticism and avoidance, lies and betrayals of some kind. Since marriage is the closest of all relationships, it is anything but exempt from hurt. And it’s never a one-way street. You have been the offender at least as often as you have been the offended.

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Of course, the vast majority of the hurts we inflict on our husbands or wives are unintentional. We never really set out to insult each other, violate each other, or ignore each other. A slip of the tongue, a careless word or deed, a thoughtless omission—they happen because we are weak, sinful, and selfish human beings. But these slights and slips still hurt.

You have been on the offending side of marital conflict, and you have also been on the receiving end, feeling the pain of hurt and disappointment. Whether you are the giver or the receiver, every offense in a marriage needs a relational solution. In Matthew 5:23-24, Jesus offers some helpful and very practical advice for dealing with these painful lapses in marriage. And his instructions seem to be directed at the person who caused the offense.

"If you are standing before the altar in the Temple, offering a sacrifice to God, and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there beside the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God." Matthew 5:23-24

It’s interesting the way Jesus sets the scene for relational reconciliation. He pictures us “standing before the altar...offering a sacrifice to God.” Let’s say this represents a good Christian husband or wife going about the business of seeking and serving God. You go to church regularly. You have devotions regularly. You do the Christian disciplines wholeheartedly.

It’s no coincidence that this person “suddenly remembers” something isn’t quite right with his or her spouse. That’s what happens when we approach God in worship. The closer we draw to him, the brighter the searchlight of his love shines in our hearts. The Holy Spirit is free to point out areas of weakness and sin.

So don’t be surprised if while standing in the church service singing to God or kneeling in prayer during your time of devotions, you suddenly feel convicted by the Spirit of an offense. Of course, God can plant that thought in your heart at any time, even by prompting your offended spouse to say something like, “I felt hurt when...” At that key moment, you are right where God wants you. He is lovingly taking the opportunity to clear up something between you and your dear one.

Next Jesus commands, “Leave your sacrifice...go and be reconciled.” Is he saying that the health of our horizontal relationships with others, including our spouse, is at least as important as our vertical relationship with God? Is he saying something like, “God isn’t interested in your worship until you make right the wrong you did”?

This may be a little difficult for some to grasp, but such an interpretation is compatible with the rest of Scripture. For example, Jesus didn’t want people to call him “Lord” if they weren’t going to obey him (see Luke 6:46). Love for God and love for people are inseparable in God’s scheme of things. You won’t get very far in your spiritual life if you fail to clear up offenses in your marital life.

The essence of Jesus’ command seems to be this: “As soon as you realize that you have offended your spouse, nothing is more important than making it right.”

Don’t delay. Don’t put it off. Don’t procrastinate. Confess your wrong, and ask your spouse’s forgiveness at your earliest convenience. When you are facing conflict always place the priority on the relationship over the issue at hand. The health of your marriage and your relationship with God depend on it.

*For more helpful insights on how to connect with your spouse, check out Renewing Your Love: Devotions for Couples in our online bookstore.

A Love that Endures

We live in a pressure-cooker world. Most of us have more than our share of daily stress. On top of career demands, you have a spouse to love, kids to tend, and perhaps aging parents to care for. Each of these relationships is a privilege, but each one also clamors for priority status in your complex and busy life.

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Like every married couple, we have had our share of ups and downs: the joy of bringing new lives into the world, the dark uncertainty of illnesses and surgeries, the fulfillment of ministry to others, the pain of being ignored by each other. But through it all we have been committed to facing these ups and downs together as a team—partners and best friends in the whirlwind of life.

With the help of God, we have found our way through perilous life passages and withstood many trials. And in each case, we came through with greater determination, devotion, and a deeper love for each other because we took the precarious journey together.

Building a Love That Endures

Maybe you and your spouse have yet to be hit by a storm. Or maybe you are in the middle of one right now. No matter what you have faced in the past, you can be sure there will be trials in the future. We want to coach you on a way not only to survive those trials together but also to grow even stronger in the process.

What we need is a love that provides strength to withstand life’s pains. We believe persevering love is the answer. Persevering love stays strong when the storms howl in your marriage. Persevering love bonds you even closer together, strengthening your friendship. How can you make sure that you and your spouse have what it takes to get through these storms? Here are five vital keys to building a fortress of love that will endure in your marriage.

Connect and Stay Connected

Your ability to endure together in the hard times is directly proportional to the depth of your partnership in good times. Two hearts must link up to grow strong together. If you want to stay glued together in difficulties, you have to apply the cement of partnership now.

Before you go your separate ways each day, give each other a heartfelt, “I love you.” Stay connected by calling or texting each other during the day. Find ways to be readily available to each other even as you travel or tote the kids around. Taking time to connect and stay connected builds security and intimacy in a relationship. It’s part of building a lasting love. And it’s essential when trials hit.

Make Your Relationship a Safe Place

Is your relationship a safe place where both of you can run from the troubles and terrors of life? Your spouse needs to know now that your loving arms will always be a shelter in the midst of a trial or tragedy. He or she will sense that assurance only if you practice empathy and comfort now.

Some people feel too threatened to confide in anyone, sensing that no one really cares what they think or feel. Many see this kind of bonding in marriage as potential bondage. Some are so worried about losing personal freedom that they never attain the depth of fulfillment that comes from true closeness.

In reality, your marriage can be a fortress of protection where each of you is safe to show your wounds. Safety happens when your spouse is emotionally present—totally with you—and you are present for him or her. Your relationship becomes a safe place when you lower your defenses and share yourself fully with your spouse, knowing that you are accepted and loved for who you are, that you don’t have to pretend to be anything else. If you can provide this safe haven for one another, you are well prepared for any trial.

Keep Communicating

We know from experience that it’s tough to communicate during tough times. Even the smallest of trials can drive a wedge between a husband and wife. And if small conflicts can divide you, think how much more some of the devastating blows of life can push you apart. Here are three reasons why trials are a threat to communication.

Trials isolate us in our own thoughts. Trials have a way of forcing even the most communicative people inward. That halt in communication can be incredibly unhealthy.

Trials invite denial or the belief that you can handle it all alone. Denial is the handy psychological term for our tendency not to admit a problem exists. It’s a refusal to deal with the facts. Asserting that you can handle a problem alone may be a healthy sign of independence, but it may also be an unhealthy attempt to avoid looking bad or asking for help.

Trials leave us feeling that no one understands. Don’t believe the subtle lie that “no one understands.” Your spouse understands what you’re struggling through, though perhaps not fully. Reverse the roles for a moment. If your spouse was going through a crisis and thinking no one could understand his or her pain, you would hate being locked out. You would be hurt if your help and comfort were unwelcome. Why? Because as someone who has also faced hurt in life, you have genuine comfort to offer even in an unusual trial. If you ever feel tempted to lock your spouse out of your agony, resist that urge. Dare to open up.

Rest in the Truth That God Has a Purpose for Trials

If it were up to us, we would choose to navigate through life with as few problems as possible. God doesn’t see things our way, however. He has allowed trials in our lives to teach us persevering love, to help us bond together as best friends for life. We can’t say the trials have been fun, but we do appreciate what God is building in us in the process.

We have experienced the truth of Romans 5:3-4: “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us—they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation.”

If your confidence is only in your own ability as a couple to make it through life’s hardest moments, you are woefully unprepared. But when you acknowledge that God is sovereign over all of life, that nothing can touch you except what he allows, that his purpose in trials is to build your endurance and character, then you are ready to weather any storm. These are truths you can rest in now and forever.

Decide to Tackle Trouble Together—Wherever It Takes You

In your times of crisis and unbearable stress, you may secretly wonder if your spouse will draw closer to you and stand with you, no matter what, or turn away and let you battle the storm alone. You may also wonder if you have the strength to hang in there with your spouse or if you will be tempted to walk away. Now is the time to decide and agree together: Together we will tackle anything that comes our way, and we will stay together in it no matter where it goes.

When you commit to this level of persevering love, you are deciding to stick around through the suffering, to walk through pain, and to stay devoted through difficult times—until you are parted by death. You are offering your spouse the assurance that he or she will never be alone when trials come. Persevering love gains you the privilege of walking through every storm with your best friend.

*For more about how to unlock the biblical secrets to a marriage that stays vibrant and strong for a lifetime check out our book 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love in our online bookstore!

Do We Need "Couple" Friends?

Is it important to build and maintain friendships with other couples? Yes! Having friendships with other couples is very important. We tell people three things at the end of pre-marriage counseling:

(1)  Guard your heart.

(2)  Always exercise forgiveness.

(3)  Connect to other couples with whom you can go through life.

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In our parents’ time, those couples may have been the same couples all the way through their lives because people didn’t move around as much. You may move every few years, so it will take a bit of extra work to connect with other couples in each new location. You can do it, however, by connecting to a church and its small groups, or though friendships in your neighborhood, or with the parents of your children’s friends. These need to be like-minded couples—believers who can be there for you in the tough times and understand the focus of your life in Jesus. The only caveat is that you must guard your heart in those close relationships.

We once read a story about a man who had an accident by falling off a ladder. He lost his ability to walk, but was hoping to walk again. Yet over a period of three months after the accident, not a day went by that other people didn’t show up to comfort, encourage, give a ride, or do some kind of chore that needed to be done. Those kinds of friendships are priceless. That is the body of Christ, and we are called to coach, encourage and equip one another.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

The Myths of Christian Marriage

Q: We have a Christian marriage—so why is it so painful? Shouldn’t being believers shield us from the problems we’re having?

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A: Many Christian marriages just are not going well. Both spouses are Christians, but they can’t seem to get along. Both worship the same God, but have completely different understandings of how to live life. Sometimes they treat money differently, discipline the kids differently, worship differently, communicate differently, or even have very different religious beliefs. At other times, one spouse claims to be a Christian, but doesn’t live a Christian lifestyle.

The reality of marriage is tough. Since we’re fallen humans, we often face disappointment. Discouragement looms over us and, unless confronted and resolved, it distances us from our mates. Then we become angry with God and cry out, “Why have you allowed all of this hurt to enter my life?”

The hard truth is, your marriage will not be perfect just because you’re Christians. Beware of buying into the following myths:

Myths of Christian Marriage 

Myth #1: If I have a daily quiet time and attend church regularly, I’ll have a happy marriage.

In church you often hear that if you spend time with God every morning and study the Bible, your life and marriage will go well. The truth is, every couple goes through tough times—even Christians. Jesus clearly states that “on earth you will have many trials and sorrows” (John 16:33).

Myth #2: Our marriage will be divorce-proofed if we’re both Christians.

Many Christian couples feel ashamed when they stand at the brink of divorce. They don’t think anyone will understand, so they wait to go for help until it’s too late. The truth is, being a Christian doesn’t guarantee you won’t feel like getting divorced. The key to a strong, divorce-proofed marriage is the hard work of living out what you believe and upholding the virtues of Christlikeness—especially during the difficult times.

Myth #3: Scripture can be a simple guide for our marriage.

Scripture can be a valuable guide for daily living—as long as you don’t misinterpret what it says. Scripture teaches that God intends for man and wife to be one unit, working together for the good of the whole. That means using your giftedness. Together you make better decisions than you do individually.

Myth #4: We need to keep our marital problems to ourselves.

You may imagine that everyone else has a happy and put-together marriage, so you don’t confess or share your problems with anyone who can help. But the truth is, God created us as social beings to live in community where we can help each other. By keeping quiet, you hinder the healing that could have come from sharing with these other people who may have faced what you’re facing. This type of sharing needs to come in ways that are not hurtful to each other and to people who can truly help.

Myth #5: Christian couples don’t fight.

Many Christian couples think that “peace-making” means not fighting, so they deny any negative feelings. They let things build until they explode over something trivial. It’s okay to fight. In the Bible it says, “‘Don’t sin by letting anger control you.’ Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27). We challenge you and your mate to bring up whatever has been bothering you within twenty-four hours. You’ll be amazed how your mate may respond. Just saying, “I feel angry,” will defuse feelings. Humble yourself enough to apologize and put things behind you.

Myth #6: I need to pray for God to change my spouse.

Many people spend much time in prayer begging God to change their spouses. They think that they’d be happy if only their spouses were different. Therefore, many couples find that as much as they pray, they don’t see any significant change in their spouses. The truth is: God wants to change you first.

Myth #7: The husband should be stronger in his faith than the wife.

We each grow toward Christ in our own way and time. Many wives become critical of their husbands’ lack of spiritual leadership, which causes them to push and their husbands to retreat. Remember: You are not responsible for your mate’s spiritual life. Step aside and let God work—that’s when your mate will feel God calling him or her to get serious about his relationship with Christ. It takes time, but only God can make a husband the strong loving leader that the wife always wanted.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Cheer on Your Mate!

What would it mean to you to face each day knowing there is someone cheering you on no matter what happens? How would you feel knowing that someone is 100 percent committed to encouraging you, supporting you, and helping you reach your goals? What would it do to your heart to experience this kind of love and loyalty?

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In a marriage, each spouse has the opportunity and privilege to be the other’s enthusiastic cheerleader and loyal supporter. When you are convinced that your spouse is always on your side, you can endure almost anything. Such loyalty, emotional support, and practical help keeps the flames of renewing love burning brightly.

How can you become your spouse’s cheerleader? One excellent place to start is by applying the “one another” passages of the New Testament to your marriage relationship. Throughout the Gospels and Epistles, Christians are instructed in specific, practical ways on how to love, encourage, and support one another. Since your spouse is the number one “other” in your life, he or she should be the first recipient of your loving care.

Here are several “one another” and “each other” passages and suggestions on what they could look like in your “cheerleading” at home.

“Don’t condemn each other” (Romans 14:13); “Live in harmony with each other” (Romans 12:16). Don’t be a source of constant criticism and nagging in your relationship. It will wear your spouse down instead of cheering him or her on.

“Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you” (Romans 15:7); “Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults” (Ephesians 4:2). A good cheerleader is enthusiastic and supportive whether the team is winning or losing. Focus your encouragement on your spouse’s strengths and accomplishments while cutting plenty of slack for mistakes and imperfection. Be a constant source of genuine compliments, encouraging words, spoken appreciation, helpful advice, and cheery positivism.

“Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another” (Ephesians 4:32); “Forgive the person who offends you” (Colossians 3:13). When your spouse wrongs you, don’t punish him or her with an icy stare, a blazing reprimand, punishment, or payback. Be quick to let it go and be an instrument of restoring harmony.

“Serve one another in love” (Galatians 5:13); “Serve each other in humility” (1Peter 5:5). Constantly look for ways to ease your spouse’s burdens in life by helping with chores and sharing responsibilities. Take delight in doing the dirty work without being asked or begged to do it.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21); “Build each other up” (1Thessalonians 5:11). Don’t always insist on your way of doing things or treat your spouse as second class in any respect. Celebrate and defer to your spouse’s strengths. Treat him or her as an equal who is just as gifted and competent as you are in many areas.

“I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you” (John 15:12). Whenever you are in doubt about how to encourage and support your spouse, turn to the master cheerleader: Jesus. Pattern your love after his sacrificial, constant, accepting love for you.

Become each other’s cheerleader and watch your “team” soar to the top!

*For more helpful insights on how to connect with your spouse, check out Renewing Your Love: Devotions for Couples in our online bookstore.