Q: We went through some rough times in the past. My spouse and I are reconciled, but my in-laws can’t forgive me.
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A: This is a common problem—when there’s pain in the marriage, it tends to spill over into the extended family. Listen to Joel:
“My wife and I went through some real rough times awhile back. She filed for divorce and we were separated for a little while. The good news is that God has totally restored our family. We’re totally complete and better off than we ever were. But her family would rather me be totally out of the picture. They can’t forgive me and don’t understand why my wife has let me back into her life. We’re going to have Christmas day with them—her mom and dad and sisters and stuff. It’s going to be very awkward. How should I handle this?”
We coach people not to try to resolve a family conflict during the holidays because it can then create all sorts of difficult memories for all the future holidays. You need to go directly to your in-laws—maybe one-on-one. Talk first to your spouse’s father. Get together, try to exchange some pleasantries. Go for a walk or at least be somewhere neutral without distractions. Look at him and just say, “I love your daughter (or your son) and God is restoring our marriage.” Then add, “I want to wish you a merry Christmas. There may be some things that we could talk about after Christmas, but I just really wanted you to know that I am committed to this restoration and am so thankful that God has given us another chance.”
Of course, this isn’t going to solve everything. If you’ve been unfaithful to your spouse (that parent’s child), the parents are going to have difficulty trusting you. They may even ask, “Why should we trust you?” You need to realize that it’s going to take time to rebuild the trust you broke. And you can say that. At this point, however, you don’t want to get into a long discussion of what happened and what you’re going to do differently. In this first encounter, simply affirm that you are celebrating Christmas with them, that you are thankful that you can all be together, and that you are committed to the work that God is doing. Leave it at that. This paves the way for you to have a holiday celebration without having to ignore what they feel is “the elephant in the room.” Later however, after the holidays, you’ll need to honestly and sincerely express your sorrow and your repentance. Then you’re just going to need to live it out.
*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!