Be a Cheerleader!

What would it mean to you to face each day knowing there is someone cheering you on no matter what happens? How would you feel knowing that someone is 100 percent committed to encouraging you, supporting you, and helping you reach your goals? What would it do to your heart to experience this kind of love and loyalty?

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In a marriage, each spouse has the opportunity and privilege to be the other’s enthusiastic cheerleader and loyal supporter. When you are convinced that your spouse is always on your side, you can endure almost anything. Such loyalty, emotional support, and practical help keeps the flames of renewing love burning brightly.

How can you become your spouse’s cheerleader? One excellent place to start is by applying the “one another” passages of the New Testament to your marriage relationship. Throughout the Gospels and Epistles, Christians are instructed in specific, practical ways on how to love, encourage, and support one another. Since your spouse is the number one “other” in your life, he or she should be the first recipient of your loving care.

Here are several “one another” and “each other” passages and suggestions on what they could look like in your “cheerleading” at home.

“Don’t condemn each other” (Romans 14:13); “Live in harmony with each other” (Romans 12:16). Don’t be a source of constant criticism and nagging in your relationship. It will wear your spouse down instead of cheering him or her on.

“Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you” (Romans 15:7); “Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults” (Ephesians 4:2). A good cheerleader is enthusiastic and supportive whether the team is winning or losing. Focus your encouragement on your spouse’s strengths and accomplishments while cutting plenty of slack for mistakes and imperfection. Be a constant source of genuine compliments, encouraging words, spoken appreciation, helpful advice, and cheery positivism.

“Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another” (Ephesians 4:32); “Forgive the person who offends you” (Colossians 3:13). When your spouse wrongs you, don’t punish him or her with an icy stare, a blazing reprimand, punishment, or payback. Be quick to let it go and be an instrument of restoring harmony.

“Serve one another in love” (Galatians 5:13); “Serve each other in humility” (1Peter 5:5). Constantly look for ways to ease your spouse’s burdens in life by helping with chores and sharing responsibilities. Take delight in doing the dirty work without being asked or begged to do it.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21); “Build each other up” (1Thessalonians 5:11). Don’t always insist on your way of doing things or treat your spouse as second class in any respect. Celebrate and defer to your spouse’s strengths. Treat him or her as an equal who is just as gifted and competent as you are in many areas.

“I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you” (John 15:12). Whenever you are in doubt about how to encourage and support your spouse, turn to the master cheerleader: Jesus. Pattern your love after his sacrificial, constant, accepting love for you.

Become each other’s cheerleader and watch your “team” soar to the top!

*For more helpful insights on how to connect with your spouse, check out Renewing Your Love: Devotions for Couples in our online bookstore.

What Happens When Her Needs Aren't Met?

In the last few months, we have featured blogs on The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women. This month, we want to look at what happens if a husband does not seek to meet his wife’s top sex needs of affirmation, connection and nonsexual touch.

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It sometimes takes work to give your wife the connection and affirmation she needs. It takes thought to give her the kind of touch that is meaningful to her. It takes courage to speak words of love for your wife—especially if she disappoints you. It takes sacrifice and wisdom to put her value above your own. It takes creativity to show your appreciation for her. In the busyness of life and the stress of keeping the family rolling along, it may be difficult, but it’s well worth it. Love your wife with all of your heart.

What are the consequences if you do not meet your wife’s sex needs? When you do not make an effort to meet her needs, the price is more than just “no sex.” When a woman feels disconnected from her husband, she feels threatened and may react in a number of ways.

1. She may feel disappointed. When a woman feels disconnected from her husband, she doesn’t feel cared for, appreciated, or valued. She may go through the motions, but she feels empty. She certainly won’t initiate sex.

2. She may feel rejected. A wife needs togetherness, romance, and companionship, but if her husband is consumed by his job, or hobby, he may spend all his energy there and not on his wife. His wife may then feel lonely and excluded from his life. That will, of course, cause their marriage to suffer.

3. She may begin to doubt and mistrust. When a wife’s needs are not met, her imagination can run away with her. She may begin to doubt that her husband loves, desires, and appreciates her. When she doubts his feelings, she may then start to doubt his intentions. Once that happens, trust can erode.

4. She may see her husband as selfish. To protect herself, a wife may begin to justify her own selfishness. She may stop trying hard to be a good wife, concentrating more on being a good mother, daughter, employee, or friend. She may not care if meals are prepared every night, if the bathroom is cleaned, or if the laundry is done. She may not be as patient with her husband’s shortcomings. She may not dress up for him or initiate sex or respond to his advances.

5. She may become irritable and resentful. A wife whose needs are not met may be more defensive with her husband and blame him for problems.

6. She may pull away sexually. A disappointed wife may distance herself from her husband, trying to protect herself, her emotions and sensitive spirit. She may rebuff his advances, offering excuses. Her resistance may escalate to saying no on a regular basis. If she does have sex, it may feel empty for her.

7. She may pull away emotionally. A wife whose needs are not met may disconnect or shut down emotionally. A the root of everything is a simple solution: Her husband needs to affirm, touch, and connect with her.

8. She may try to punish her husband. It’s a sad reality, but when a wife becomes frustrated and upset enough, she may resort to punishment. Punishment will often come in the form of ignoring him or withdrawing emotionally, relationally, and physically. Or she may attempt to control and manipulate her husband through sex. When a wife has been hurt or rejected by her husband, when he does not affirm or connect with her, she may become desperate enough to try to hurt him by withholding sex.

9. She may look elsewhere to have her needs met. We’ve counseled hundreds of women who have strayed from their marriages. And almost every time, the reason was because their husbands stopped connecting with them—talking, touching, complimenting. So they reached outside the marriage and found men who did.

We once heard someone say, “The grass isn’t greener on the other side; it’s greener where it’s watered.” If you are not affirming and befriending your wife, who is? The reality is that a woman responds to the man who takes care of her heart. When a husband doesn’t give his wife the affirmation she needs, he leaves her heart wide open for another man to connect with her.

*For more revealing insights about what your spouse’s most intimate sex needs are - and how to meet them - check out The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women in our online bookstore!

When You're Short on Time - And Energy

After a full day of work and dealing with the kids, do you feel like you don’t have much time or energy left for my spouse?  We often hear from couples about the stress of their busy lives. They work full time, go to school, raise kids, serve at church, and even more—and they wonder why their marriages are having difficulty.

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If you are both working full time or going to school full time, then it should be no surprise you’re having a hard time connecting with your spouse. Think about it: How many waking hours do you and your spouse have together each day? If you cannot carve out even a few minutes each day to talk and connect, then you’ll be headed for trouble.

The ultimate question is: What is most important at this stage? It should be of primary importance to connect with your spouse and give your kids the security of their parents’ strong marriage. If you have the option, perhaps you should seriously think about putting off school for a season or one of you cutting back on outside work hours in order to give you the time and energy you need for each other and for your family. We live with the lie that we can have it all, we can do it all, and we deserve it all. And when we try to do that, ultimately something pays the piper, and many times it’s the kids and the marriage relationship.

Maybe having one of you quit work or cut back on hours is not possible. Maybe the second income is needed. Maybe that degree is one semester away. In those cases, cutting back may end up causing more stress instead of less. In such cases, you need to make a concerted effort to have a few minutes a day just for you and your spouse that nobody else can break into. You absolutely must have at least a few minutes of alone time where you can connect. This makes your marriage a priority and gives it the preventive maintenance it needs.

You see, during this busy season of life, you need to set priorities, and your first priority must

always be your spouse and family. What you can fit in after that is up to you—that is, up to you and your spouse. There will be plenty of time for some of those other activities in your other seasons of life. You can go to school later, but your child won’t be a toddler bouncing on your knee for very long at all.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Hope During Separation

Q: We are separated right now, but we want to work this out. How can our marriage be saved?

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A: When the two of you have decided that you just need to be apart for awhile (whether by mutual consent or if only one of you has made this decision), there are a few things you can do doing the separation in order to get your marriage back on track. Listen to Steve:

“I’m separated right now from my wife. She left me about six months ago because I had an anger problem. I found out about a week later that she was involved in an affair. She tells friends that some days she’d like to try the marriage out again but at this point she’s just kind of confused and doesn’t even know who she is anymore. She’s a Christian , but is just in a backslidden state at the moment. Spiritually, I was backslidden too when this first took place. Immediately I sought God on this and rededicated my life to Christ. I knew I couldn’t make it through this without him. And there’s no way I could help her without God.”

Steve wants to make his marriage work. What can he do?

We advised Steve—as we would advise any spouse who has been left behind—to stay the course and to continue to grow in the Lord. We encouraged him to give his wife someone to come home to—a godly, tenderhearted man who is laying out a battle plan for restoring their marriage. When his wife sees such a man—a man who is offering forgiveness and grace—she sees not only a changed man but the hope of a changed marriage. Of course, the issues that caused the separation will still need to be worked out, but you both can go at it as redeemed people who are ready to fight for your marriage and your family.

If the two of you have mutually decided to separate for awhile, what can you do during this time to actively work on your marriage? We suggest the following:

Make a list of broken dreams. Write down the hurts, the disappointments, the things that just haven’t worked out the way you thought the day you got married. Maybe you experienced the loss of a career. Maybe children never entered the picture. Perhaps family crises affected your life. These hurts and disappointments are not always against your spouse; many times these are situations outside of your marriage that ended up heavily impacting your marriage. Consider everything that may have contributed to this separation.

Conduct a funeral service for your disappointments. Take your list of broken dreams and burn it. Get rid of them and prepare to stand up and start over with another year.

Make a list of “God sightings.”  Where is God working in your life? What in your life is a blessing? Perhaps being parents is a blessing, or a ministry you’re involved in is very fulfilling. Are your kids a blessing to you? Perhaps your spouse did something wonderful for you this year. Take a count of the blessings of the year, and give thanks to God in all things.

Be supportive of each other. Look for ways to encourage and build each other up. In the midst of hard times, find ways to be grateful.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

A Marriage that's More than "Fair"

Happily married Eric and Jill climbed out of bed at their normal Saturday morning hour. They had a lot to do around the house, and they were eager to get started. Eric made his side of the bed, and Jill made her side, just as they always did. While Eric mowed and trimmed the front lawn, Jill ran the “lights” through the washer and dryer. Then Eric took charge of the “darks” while Jill mowed and trimmed the back lawn. 

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After lunch, Jill plugged in the vacuum cleaner and vacuumed exactly half the flooring in the house—about 750 square feet. She left the vacuum standing in the middle of the living room, where Eric picked up the task and finished it. This is how the couple did all the household chores—dusting the woodwork, cleaning the toilets, and taking out the garbage. Each was careful to do no more and no less than his or her half of the work.

At dinnertime, of course, Eric and Jill split the cooking and cleanup duties equally. Then they watched TV for two hours, each of them taking possession of the remote for exactly one hour. They climbed into bed satisfied that they had lived through another fair and well-balanced day. “I love you, Jill,” Eric said as he switched off his bedside lamp. “I love you too, Eric,” Jill replied, switching off her own lamp—as usual.

In case you haven’t guessed, Eric and Jill don’t really exist. The paragraphs above are pure fiction. But this couple’s approach to marriage certainly does exist in many forms. At our marriage conferences we coach couples on serving love vs. living a life of independence and giving into our tendency to feed our selfishness. It is as if we are living a 50/50 relationship: you do your thing and I will do mine. Husbands and wives in a 50/50 relationship live by an unspoken credo reflected in the following statements:

• I will pull only my weight; you must pull your own.

• If you expect me to meet your needs, you must meet mine.

• I will do my share of the work, if you will do your share.

• I will go the extra mile for you, if you will go the extra mile for me.

• If I give up something for you, I expect you to give up something for me.

• I will love you as long as you love me 

The 50/50 marriage is an arrangement of trade-offs and compromises, with spouses keeping score so one person never gets more or gives more than the other. Serving and submitting to one another are often replaced by a strong emphasis on getting what is rightfully yours. This is part of what the apostle Paul was talking about when he warned, “Don’t just pretend that you love others. Really love them.” The 50/50 marriage is a pretense, a sham, far from the real thing.

It’s easy to slide into a 50/50 arrangement if you’re not careful. Why? Because we all desire to have our own needs met. We all crave the understanding and attention that results when someone cares for us without expecting anything in return. So we are all quick to recognize when we are not receiving what we deeply want. This me-first attitude can get you complaining, for example, that your spouse never spends time with you or that you had to do the dirty work while your spouse was busy with his or her hobbies

At some point, one or both of you start keeping score and “penalizing” the other for rule violations. You may be familiar with these clashes, such as when your spouse blurts out that you don’t meet his or her needs. Or maybe the discontent doesn’t come out into the open. Maybe it just simmers beneath the surface as you quietly oppose each other, undermine each other, or avoid each other.

Someone is missing in this kind of relationship: the person who desires to live right in the middle of your marriage, the one who makes the rules and mediates between your needs and your spouse’s needs. It’s the person of Jesus Christ, who provides not only the example but the power of serving love through the Word of God and the Holy Spirit. When we allow Christ’s power to love through us, we fulfill the biblical command to “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.”

We call it the 100/100 marriage. This is no Eric-and-Jill kind of arrangement. Instead, the 100/100 marriage looks more like this:

• Each spouse is 100 percent sold out to the lordship of Jesus Christ in the marriage.

• Each spouse is 100 percent sold out to the authority of the Word of God in the marriage.

• Each spouse is 100 percent sold out to the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit to help him or her love, honor, and cherish the other selflessly.

• Each spouse is 100 percent sold out to discovering and meeting the other’s needs.

• Each spouse is 100 percent sold out to preferring and honoring the other above self—with no keeping score!

• And since no one is 100 percent selfless, each spouse is 100 percent sold out to confessing and forgiving offenses when they happen.

This is why you need Jesus at the very center of your marriage if you hope to meet each other’s needs. You can’t do it on your own. But thankfully, he can do it through you, and he longs to do it through you. The closer each of you gets to Jesus, the closer you will get to one another. The more you humble yourself before Jesus, the better equipped you will be to serve one another. And if you are both lovingly absorbed in the Spirit-empowered ministry of meeting each other’s needs, you will both be the pleased beneficiaries of each other’s need-meeting service.

*For more helpful insights on how to connect with your spouse, check out Renewing Your Love: Devotions for Couples in our online bookstore.