Be Friends with Your Spouse

Q: How can we maintain our friendship with each other?

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A: It’s important to remember that men and women are different when it comes to friendship. So the friendship you develop with each other is going to look different from your same-sex friendships. Where do you start?

• Take inventory of some of your spouse’s hobbies and interests, and ask if you can join in one of them.

• Read up on some of the things your spouse is interested in, and begin to tell him/her what you are learning.

• Ask questions about what your spouse is doing at work, at play, in leisure. Not the kinds of questions that feel like an inquisition, but the kind that show real interest.

• Share some of your own experiences with your spouse to draw him/her closer to you as well.

It’s also so important to remember how to have FUN together as a couple! So try one (or more) of these ideas to have some fun together:

• Sit down together and think about the most enjoyable, interesting, and fun things you’ve ever done together or things you would like to do. Write them down even if it sounds silly or you think your partner might not like the idea. Throw out wacky ideas.

• Trade three ideas with your spouse. Then let your spouse pick out one from your three suggestions. That way you’re both interested in the activity.

• Do something that will make you giggle or laugh out loud—rent a funny movie or play your favorite board or card game. Take a massage class and practice on each other. Collect seashells. Prepare a new meal together. Rent a classic movie and cuddle with some popcorn. Drink a soda with two straws. Rent motorcycles and go on a ride. The sky is the limit!

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Navigating Holiday 'Potholes'

The holidays can be a wonderful time of laughter and love and gatherings with family. But it can also be a time of conflict and stress and hurt feelings—especially in a marriage when you’re bringing two families together. So what can you do to navigate those Christmas “potholes”? We’ve got some tips for you!

Photo by Tyler Delgado on Unsplash

One of the big issues that comes up with couples is when one spouse likes to spend holidays with his/her own family, but the other spouse would rather it just be the two of them. 

What marriage hasn’t gone through this? We recommend to every married couple that they understand the importance of “leaving” and “cleaving”—that is, of separating themselves as a married couple. Holidays are an excellent opportunity to begin your own traditions as a married couple. Then, the ideal situation is to share and give attention to both sides of the family. 

If your parents are wise, they’ll understand how important it is for you to establish your own family, your own traditions. Parents should do everything possible to bless their adult children in making those decisions, letting them know that as much as they’d love to be with you, they want you to have your own traditions and they want you to continue your relationship with the other in-laws. 

However, not all parents will be so understanding. You’ll need to be cautious about control issues that might be coming from a set of parents. You need to be gracious and kind as you finesse this situation year by year. And if children are added to the mix, it just gets stickier. However, you can make it work if you communicate with each other, compromise as needed, and establish clear guidelines to which you both can agree. 

Another common issue for couples is conflict with the in-laws. These conflicts are tough because even though it seems like they’re outside the marriage, your attitude toward your in-laws can undermine your relationship with your spouse. Your spouse feels pulled to protect and love you, and yet at the same time probably feels pulled because he or she wants you to love his or her parents. You both want to be able to have a nice time with the grandparents and the grandkids. Everyone wants to have peace and harmony in the family. 

Sometimes, however, a situation is so difficult, personalities clash so strongly, or other reasons cause such friction between you and your in-laws that being together is nigh unto impossible. So what can you do if you’re facing that kind of problem?  

First of all, we coach people not to try to resolve a family conflict during the holidays because it can then create all sorts of difficult memories for all the future holidays.  You need to go directly to your in-laws—maybe one-on-one. Get together, try to exchange some pleasantries. Go for a walk or at least be somewhere neutral without distractions. Look at your in-law(s) and just say, “I love your daughter (or your son).” Then add, “I want to wish you a merry Christmas. There may be some things that we could talk about after Christmas, but I just really wanted you to know that I am love you and want to enjoy this time with us all together.”

At this point, however, you don’t want to get into a long discussion of the issue or hurt that has happened. In this first encounter, simply affirm that you are celebrating Christmas with them, that you are thankful that you can all be together. Leave it at that. This paves the way for you to have a holiday celebration without having to ignore what they feel is “the elephant in the room.” Later however, after the holidays, you’ll need to address it. 

You might first go to the in-law one on one—after you’ve done a lot of praying, of course! (In fact, ask your friends to pray about this.) Your mother- or father-in-law needs to look into your eyes, hear the tone of your voice, and see your humility. Explain why you feel hurt. Reach out. Explain that you want to make it right for the sake of your spouse and your kids. Let the focus be on you. Take responsibility.

Realize that you won’t be able to change your in-law, no matter how much you may want to or how much he or she needs it. Romans 12:18 says, “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”

Of course, as you do all of this, ask God for wisdom. You need boundaries so you don’t allow yourself to be walked all over or torn apart in front of your kids, or whatever. You need to be clear, concise, and honest. You may not be able to solve the situation, but you might at least be able to come to a truce that will allow your spouse and kids to be able to visit the grandparents and have happy holidays together in the future.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

The Greatest Kind of Connection

Your husband, like every Christian husband, needs to be growing spiritually. He needs spiritual connection—with God, with you, and with other believers. This need came in #5 for men in our survey of 700 couples for our book, The 5 Love Needs of Men and Women. Your husband desires spiritual connection with you and others — and he needs your help and support to meet this need!

If husbands are going to take the Bible seriously, then they know that one of the key dimensions of their spiritual life is the spiritual leadership they must provide. (Eph. 5:25-31) And if you could read the hearts and minds of most Christian men, you would find that leadership—real servant leadership—is the biggest challenge they face on a daily basis.

Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

Servant leadership is a two-sided coin. On one side is the great honor and opportunity that kind of leadership offers: honor in being entrusted with such a high call and opportunity to help meet our family’s deepest needs. However, the other side of the coin is that servant leadership is a very tough job!

This spiritual responsibility weighs heavily on your husband when he recognizes that you and your children are relying on him to take the lead.

Your Husband Needs Your Help

Many women are ignorant of the role they play in the spiritual connection between husband and wife. They haven’t seen it modeled by their own parents, or they haven’t learned it in their churches.

Other women try to play Junior Holy Spirit. They so desperately want their husbands to be the spiritual leaders in the home that they try to shame them into action.  

Still other women struggle because they aren’t doing so well in their own spiritual lives. For these women, husbands who are spiritually on fire are more like a guilt-producing reminder than an inspiration.

In my life, Barb isn’t the Junior Holy Spirit, but God does use her consistently to help me when I struggle. But that’s because I trust her, and she does it with honor and respect for my role in our relationship, and without a critical spirit.

Meeting Your Husband’s Need for Spiritual Connection

If your husband is going to experience spiritual intimacy and connection with God, which in turn will produce spiritual intimacy and connection with you, he must be grounded in four basic areas. If any of these areas is missing or inadequate, it will be reflected in both relationships.

Personal Time in the Word

Since the Word of God is a believer’s spiritual food and drink, your husband needs to be reading the Word of God daily. Many husbands are on solid ground in their personal Bible reading. If your husband is, reinforce him. Let him know that you love his thirst for the Word. If your husband is not reading the Word, realize that you don’t want to irritate the situation by nagging. What you can do is pray for your husband to have a thirst for the Scriptures. You can model your own thirst and share with him what you are learning.

If you and your husband do not read the Bible together, talk with him about starting that habit. Some husbands will take the suggestion and run with it. Others may be hesitant. If that is the case, suggest that you start by including a Scripture reading as a part of your mealtime. Or you could suggest that you read a passage together before going to bed. Do whatever seems like a natural first step for you.

Prayer

Consistent prayer is one of the most elusive spiritual disciplines for men. Let me offer you a good hands-on way to approach prayer. This will help you in your own prayer life, but it will also be helpful to your husband. It is the acronym ACTA. 

A is for adoration. Pour your adoration and worship on God for what he is doing in your life.

C is for confession. Lay open your heart for the surgery God needs to do in your life. He is always faithful to forgive. 

T is for thanksgiving. It is honoring to God when you come to him with a thankful heart for all the blessings he has given to you and your family.

A is for asking. Make your petitions known to God. He already knows them, but he wants you to tell him your needs.

Fellowship and Worship

The need for spiritual connection extends to the entire family of God. We need each other, and your family needs to worship God and grow in relationship to others in the family of God. This is best done in the local church. Does that mean you should never miss a Sunday service or a Wednesday-night prayer group? No. That would border on legalism. But if we are not worshipping and fellowshipping on a regular basis with the people of God, our spiritual growth will diminish. You and your husband need to be in a strong Bible-teaching church that is presenting the Word of God week in and week out. You need it. Your husband needs it. Your kids need it.

Spiritual Intimacy in Marriage and Family

When a husband and a wife are both studying God’s Word, praying, and in fellowship, then spiritual connection in the family is the natural out-growth. When a husband and a wife are sharing what God is teaching them in the Word, the family will benefit. When a husband reaches out and takes his wife’s hand and prays with her, whether in crisis or in calm, then spiritual intimacy in the marriage is the natural outgrowth. When a husband assumes his God-ordained role of servant leadership in the home with his wife and his children, the family will flourish.

Spiritual intimacy and connection in a marriage is the greatest kind of connection of all. If you are living it, rejoice. If you are seeking it, never give up. Keep at it. If you are just getting started, welcome to the journey. God is at work in you

3 Ways to Connect Through Good Communication

Just because someone’s mouth is moving doesn’t mean communication is taking place. Clear communication is sharing yourself verbally and nonverbally in a way that your spouse both accepts and understands. The three vital elements to communication are expressing, listening, and responding.

1. Expressing: Sort what you want to say into three categories—what you think, what you feel, and what you need. Then start talking. Give details, ask clarifying questions, and don’t expect your mate to read your mind.

   • Take one issue at a time. Pouring everything out seldom gives your spouse much information about anything. Help your spouse stay on track with a few phrases: “Tell me more about…” or “What were you saying about…?” or “That sounds like another issue. Let’s talk about the other one first and come back to this one later.”

   • Allow one person to speak at a time. When your spouse is expressing, give him or her room for full expression—no interruptions, no feedback. If you both fight to be heard at the same time, communication is bound to break down.

   • Be specific and to the point. Men like to start communicating from the top—the main point—and go from there. Women would rather talk around the topic and eventually arrive at the main point. Wives, express successfully by accommodating your husband’s need to hear the bottom line up front. Husbands, you will make communication more enjoyable for your wife if you include plenty of detail with your main point.

2. Listening: If you are like most couples, the biggest step you can take to improve communication is to improve listening in your marriage. Listening is the key to understanding your spouse’s needs. Start by saying to your mate, “Sometimes I feel as if I don’t have your attention when we talk.” Then instead of citing hard evidence, share a personal confession: “When you are excited to tell me something, I know I have a habit of cutting you off. When I am focused on doing something, I don’t exactly encourage you to talk.” Ask your mate what he or she thinks gets in the way of your communication. Tell your mate that he or she has your undivided attention. Maintain eye contact. Don’t jump in with a solution. Ask your mate his or her needs, and how you can best meet them!

3. Responding: The point of responding is not to introduce your own agenda but to clarify and fully understand what your spouse is expressing. Men tend to try to fix the situation, get defensive, get angry, or withdraw. Even while his wife is still stating the problem, a man’s brain is working on a solution: a wrong to right or an error to correct. Women tend to seek security, reassurance, a sympathetic ear, and validation in response from their husbands. First they need empathy and understanding to feel emotionally connected to her patiently listening husband. Then she may be ready for suggestions on what to do. She needs a wise response that makes her feel as if you understand. Just remember the acrostic A-S-K:

• Ask—“What do you need most from me right now?” or “How can I help you?”

• Suggest—Offer to assist by saying, “Would it help if I...?”

• Kneel—Assume an inner posture of servanthood. Reassure your spouse that you will do whatever he or she needs you to do. “What can I do to help you?”

Excerpts taken from Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg, Divorce-Proof Your Marriage (Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2002), 144-149.

Addressing Cohabitation in the Church

We recently received a question from a pastor in Northeast Ohio on the topic of cohabitation and I (Gary) would like to share some thoughts in this post. For further insight on this issue, listen to our recent radio show where Barb and I dive deeper into this question. 

Q. As a pastor, the issue of cohabitation before marriage is one I have come up against in counseling and officiating weddings within the church. I watched the clip from Marriage 101 on cohabitation and found it very helpful—is there any coaching or direction you can offer me for situations in which couples live together but are desiring to get married and are beginning to think through God’s will for their relationship?

A. Thank you very much for taking the time to write following your review of the Marriage 101 clip on cohabitation. First of all, here is what we know: God intends for marriage between a man and a woman to bring glory to Him. Marriage is His idea. Marriage is the foundation of our society and the first institution established—and we seem to have dumbed it down. As an advocate for marriage, I believe this breaks the heart of God.

That being said, we honor your desire to handle this issue in a way that glorifies God as we know it can be a difficult one as a pastor and mentor in the church. Here are some additional thoughts…

God is a God of order. In Genesis 2:24 we are instructed to leave, cleave, become one and THEN experience intimacy. It appears to me that so much of the confusion centers on stepping outside this order in life. When a cohabitating couple already has a child, the reality of the complication is even more profound. I have advised couples that when there is “an appearance of evil” or when they are experiencing conviction and contrition--if they are then desiring to please God by marrying, they need to ask how do we live until the time of the marriage? I have suggested that couples start with the conviction and contrition and seek forgiveness from God and from one another to assert that there is a true conviction of the Holy Spirit as they have addressed the issue with the pastor and/or counselor. Then I ask them to consider not sleeping with one another and engaging in sex, seeking and being granted forgiveness so that their children and others see that they are pursuing God’s heart and desire for their relationship. At times couples have chosen to move into another bedroom in the house and even explain to their kids that they have brought this issue before Jesus and that God is helping them live obediently.

I hope this helps. I know as an advocate for marriage, what God intended for us has been distorted and it doesn’t look like it is getting any clearer in the flesh, culture or enemy’s hands. It breaks my heart. So when I address this with a couple that are just doing what makes sense to them, helping them search and discover God’s Word, it is a joy to see them agree with God and make hard decisions.