How to Avoid Temptation

For men and women, adultery begins in the heart. And for men particularly, it begins when the heart is not guarded against what the eyes see and what the mind fantasizes. A woman is more likely to be tempted sexually on the emotional level. There is certainly a physical attraction, but it is usually the accompanying emotional attachment that leads a woman into an adulterous affair. She is lured away by a man’s tenderness, openness, warmth, personality, and attentiveness.

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When you sense that someone else is captivating your heart in some way, when this attraction results in increased disappointment or frustration toward your spouse or when you begin to dwell on or act out your fascination, it is time to confront the threat. It’s not too late, but it’s late enough.

Put a stop to any of these common lies and partial truths—or others like them—that you may be entertaining:

• His/her attention makes me feel good, and it’s not hurting anyone.

• There’s a connection. He/she really understands me.

• I can talk to him/her about everything. He/she always makes time for me.

• I can tell he/she is attracted to me. I can see myself ending up with him/her.

You must establish an attitude of respectful relational distance between yourself and the man or woman who captures your attention. We’re not talking about cutting off all contact with the opposite sex. We’re talking about being cautious and alert for temptation in these relationships and maintaining a margin of distance that will help you resist those temptations. Don’t allow any unwholesome thoughts to make a home in your mind. Don’t gaze too long into the windows of the soul; that is, eye contact in a conversation is good, but if you catch a look that is too intense, too engaging, or makes you uncomfortable, avert your eyes and resist that gaze. Don’t go out of your way to see or meet someone. Be careful with physical touch. Keep conversation general. When all else fails, run for your moral life.

Look at what this husband had to share:

“I wish I could talk to all men who are considering the terrible choice of an affair. I did that many, many years ago. I left my wife for somebody else. I allowed the affair to come into my life at a time when I should have and could have stopped it. But I did not. The pain I’ve faced was not worth the few moments of pleasure I had. I ended up with a failed relationship (the affair ended—the grass is not greener on the other side), and I ended up with a failed marriage. In my case, there was a son involved. After a short period of time, this devastating decision ruined at least three lives. And it goes on. Even long after this affair ended and I was on my own, I realized that my son and I could never have a good relationship because there was animosity there . . . and rightfully so. He saw firsthand the pain I caused my wife. I wish I could tell any man who’s toying with this thought—you’re playing with fire. Don’t do it. Stay the course. Hang on to your wife. Hang on to your husband. Stop what you’re doing. Go to the Lord in prayer and he’ll give you the strength to go on. And you will find goodness eventually. You will find a rebuilding. He’ll do that for you.”

You can sense the pain this man has experienced. He learned the hard way about the devastation of sexual sin.

The other side of temptation is to be satisfied at home. Solomon’s words in Proverbs 5:18-19 are slanted to a husband, but wives can make an appropriate translation: “Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.”

In other words, if you are emotionally or sexually thirsty, head for your own well, the well God has provided for you. Quench your thirst at your own fountain instead of roaming around looking for another. When you are full and satisfied sexually in your relationship with your spouse, neither of you will need to look elsewhere for satisfaction

Besides just your physical needs, bring your emotional and relational needs to no one else but your spouse. Talk about your struggles, your dreams, your needs, your frustrations, and your joys from all levels of your life. Pray with each other. Laugh with each other. Cry with each other. Grieve with each other. Enjoy each other. Challenge each other. This is what intimacy is all about—sharing your innermost thoughts, feelings, desires, and drives with one another. Intimacy with your spouse will help keep you in the center of the road, even when other guardrails are missing.

*Our book, Guard Your Heart, can help equip you and your spouse with the tools to protect your marriage. It's available in our online bookstore!

How to Meet Your Wife's Sex Needs

We’ve shared a lot the last few months about what your wife’s sex needs are – and what happens if you don’t try to meet those needs. We encourage you to invest in your wife. Love her. Meet her needs—for her sake and for the sake of your marriage. How can you do that? Pick a few of the following suggestions and begin the process of meeting your wife’s sex needs.

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1. Be consistent. If you give affirmation only when your wife has done something right or performed well, you can actually cause more harm than good. Your wife will begin to feel as if your love is based on her performance. Instead, affirm her. Thank her for the things she does for you and the family. Welcome her advice and insight. Praise her attempts.

2. Affirm her “just because.” Randomly say “I love you.” Brag about your wife. A wife is deeply strengthened when she hears her husband express love and appreciation for her in front of others.

3. Make her feel beautiful. Airbrushed images, magazine covers, movie stars, and models suggest that only certain body shapes are beautiful. Your wife needs to hear you tell her that she’s beautiful. When a wife feels confident about her body, she is more willing and eager to pursue and enjoy sex.

4. Learn what’s in her mind. For a woman, 99 percent of sex is in her mind. That’s where sexual interest—or disinterest—begins. If a woman feels drop-dead gorgeous (even if she’s not), she will perform sexually as if she is! Find out what your wife is battling: a friend’s betrayal, a dissatisfying job, a critical mother, an angry or distant child, a job loss, depression. When a husband finds out what’s going on inside his wife’s head, he is better able to encourage her.

5. Include her in your life. Invite your wife into your hobbies and work world too. Your job is an enormous part of your identity, and your wife wants to know what excites and challenges you about that world. Share your successes and failures with her. She isn’t asking so she can judge you; she’s asking because she genuinely wants to be part of your life.

6. Make eye contact. Look into her eyes when she talks, and hold her gaze. Use your eyes to flirt with your wife.

7. Verbally affirm her during sex. When a man talks to his wife during sex, he communicates to her that he is mentally present. The strongest way to make that connection is to describe what she means to you and how much you appreciate her. (Check out how Solomon described his beloved in the Old Testament book Song of Songs.)

8. Stay close afterward. After you have enjoyed each other physically, affirm and connect to your wife by staying close and cuddling. Don’t just roll over and say good night. Be tender. Bask together in the glow of making love in the way that only God could have created. Tell her how much you enjoy being married to her. She needs your verbal connection to bring closure.

9. Learn from her. Often a woman wants her husband to say something to connect with her after she’s been hurt, exhausted, or exasperated—and that doesn’t come automatically to most men. How will you know what she needs? Learn to ask her. This may sound forced or unnatural, but it’s better than guessing and getting it wrong.

10. Identify her need and preferences for touch. To identify your wife’s “touch tone,” ask yourself these questions:

• How does my wife express touch to me most often?

• What does she request from me the most?

• What does she complain about?

• Learn when your wife prefers the nonsexual hug and the sexual hug.

11. Ask her how you are doing. Ask your wife if you are meeting her need for nonsexual touch. Ask if she feels you touch her enough. Understanding that you want to connect with her in that way will make your wife much more eager to connect with you in a sexual way.

12. If you’re confused, clarify. If you sense confusion in your marriage about nonsexual touch, then talk about it. A relationship breaks down when a couple defines nonsexual touch from two different vantage points. It’s better to ask and know exactly what your spouse is thinking than to try to read his or her mind, which can lead to conflict.

13. Schedule time for connection. Your wife needs a steady diet of appreciation, encouragement, “talk time,” nonsexual touch, and help around the house. She will receive those if you use a system of reminders that works best for you. Guys, that may mean you literally write “help with the housework” on your daily planner.

*For more revealing insights about what your spouse’s most intimate sex needs are - and how to meet them - check out The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women in our online bookstore!

Should We Have a Prenup?

Q: Should we have a prenuptial agreement?

A: Prenuptial agreements are taking marriages by storm; unfortunately, they’re messing with people’s understanding of what marriage is. It seems that few people believe in the permanence of marriage anymore. Nothing can kill romance faster than the word “prenup,” however, that is becoming more and more common.

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Prenups are offensive for several reasons:

• They assume divorce. A prenuptial agreement is a legal contract that situates both “parties” comfortably if a split were to happen.

• They are based on fear—fear of being burned, hurt, or ripped-off. But fear is the opposite of love. If couples truly love each other enough to justify getting married, then their love should overcome their fear. In its place should be trust.

• They support the attitude to trust no one because no one seems trustworthy. That’s a bad way to start a marriage!

• They undermine marriage’s foundational qualities: trust, faithfulness, commitment, mutual respect, mutual honor, a heart that yields to the Spirit of God, and a spirit of obedience (and not rebellion). What is the need for self-protection when the one person you have committed to protect is your spouse?

God says divorce is not an option, so why plan for it? Reasons for prenups are lies. The truth is, the best way to protect your family and your assets is to be committed to your marriage. Don’t marry unless you plan on entering into a covenant marriage in which divorce is not an option. The best way to honor your family (parents, children, etc.) is to honor your marriage commitment, bound by a holy God.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Dark at the End of the Tunnel

God never promised us lives or marriages without problems— sometimes severe, grief-filled problems that have no apparent solution. And it has nothing to do with how long you have been a Christian or how mature or experienced you are in the walk of faith.

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The Bible issues no guarantees that you or your spouse will live to a ripe, old age in excellent health or that your children will be spared injury, illness, or premature death. What God’s Word does help us see is that we can still find hope and joy even in the most desperate of circumstances. Persevering love remains strong, constant, and even joyful when there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Notice in the following passages the partnership of great suffering and great joy:

“Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vine; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation.” Habakkuk 3:17-18

“In everything we do we try to show that we are true ministers of God. We patiently endure troubles and hardships and calamities of every kind ... Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything.” 2 Corinthians 6:4-10

“Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.” James 1:2-4

“Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad—because these trials will make you partners with Christ in his suffering, and afterward you will have the wonderful joy of sharing his glory when it is displayed to all the world.” 1 Peter 4:12-13

In times of crisis and stress in your marriage, especially in those seemingly hopeless situations, you may secretly wonder if your spouse will draw closer to you and stand with you no matter what—or if he or she will turn away and let you battle the storm alone. You may also wonder if you have the strength to hang in there with your spouse or if you will be tempted to walk away. Now is the time to decide and agree: Together we will tackle anything that comes our way, and we will stay together no matter where it goes. That’s persevering love.

Persevering love has very little to do with feelings of love. Perhaps more than any other expression of true love, persevering love is a decision you make despite how you feel.

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us—they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation.” Romans 5:3-4

As Romans 5:3-4 states, character development and confident expectation are the by-products of persevering love. When the bottom falls out of your world and you must hang on through illness, injury, unfaithfulness, or another trial, God is still there. As you endure, he is making you stronger inside.

When you commit to persevering love, you are deciding to stay together through suffering, to walk through pain, and to remain devoted through difficult times—until you are parted by death. You are offering your spouse the assurance that he or she will never be alone, even if debilitated physically or mentally. Persevering love assures you the privilege of walking through every storm with your best friend.

*For more helpful insights on how to connect with your spouse, check out Renewing Your Love: Devotions for Couples in our online bookstore.

Do We Need Friendships with Other Couples?

Is it important to build and maintain friendships with other couples? Yes! Having friendships with other couples is very important. We tell people three things at the end of pre-marriage counseling:

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(1)  Guard your heart.

(2)  Always exercise forgiveness.

(3)  Connect to other couples with whom you can go through life.

In our parents’ time, those couples may have been the same couples all the way through their lives because people didn’t move around as much. You may move every few years, so it will take a bit of extra work to connect with other couples in each new location. You can do it, however, by connecting to a church and its small groups, or though friendships in your neighborhood, or with the parents of your children’s friends. These need to be like-minded couples—believers who can be there for you in the tough times and understand the focus of your life in Jesus. The only caveat is that you must guard your heart in those close relationships.

We once read a story about a man who had an accident by falling off a ladder. He lost his ability to walk, but was hoping to walk again. Yet over a period of three months after the accident, not a day went by that other people didn’t show up to comfort, encourage, give a ride, or do some kind of chore that needed to be done. Those kinds of friendships are priceless. That is the body of Christ, and we are called to coach, encourage and equip one another.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!