Can Trust Be Rebuilt?

Your spouse has blown it. You don’t trust him/her anymore. But you want to save your marriage. How can you learn to trust again? You’re going to need to rebuild your marriage from the bottom up.

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This is the stage when you both put your hands up and surrender. This is where there are tears of anguish over the offense caused and tears of relief that it has been confessed and admitted. Actual tears or just tears of the heart say very loudly the two words that the person who was hurt wants to be convinced of, “I’m sorry.” This is where you get on your knees and say, “I can’t do this, Lord, I need your help to trust again.”

With that prayer comes the admission that you need God to help you in the rebuilding process. When forced to start at the bottom and work to rebuild, many times the spouse who has been hurt will do one of three things: run from it, deny it’s happening, or collapse into overwhelming fear and be unable to cope. If you get stuck in one or all of these, it gets you nowhere in the rebuilding process because you’re trusting in yourself to be in control.

Problem is, you are never in control. Unfortunately it may take a wake-up call to remind you of that. What you can know is that God is in control. When things get bad, you are called to turn your eyes off yourself and turn to him. Rather than depending on your own strength, which will only fail you, ask God for the strength to trust and love again.

You may have no hope that such huge problems can be solved. But when pain happens, you need to make a team. This is when you and your spouse join together and join God as you work through restoration. A counselor could be a part of the team as well in helping you work through the rebuilding process.

Next, you and your spouse need to start talking. Pray before communicating. If you’ve depended on God for strength to trust, you can also depend on God to help you communicate what’s really going on so that the other person will best understand. Be honest and yet speak the truth in love. This is when you both communicate your needs and your pain while working to regain trust.

As you talk to each other, don’t be talking to everyone else. While there is a time for your Christian friends to be involved in helping you through the difficult times of your life, this is not one of those where they need to hear all the details. This is between you and your spouse. As you work to rebuild your marriage, hold each other in respect enough to keep your mouths shut around your friends.

Be prepared for attacks. Remember, when you start to rebuild your marriage, the enemy will do all he can to tear it down. The last thing Satan wants is for you to be reconciled. He loves to put isolation and distrust into a relationship and drive people apart. When you seek to restore a relationship, the enemy gets busy and starts to throw doubts at you from within and attacks you from the outside. No matter who wants you to stay apart, God wants you to reconcile. Be aware and be ready for resistance!

Finally, don’t rush this process. It’s going to take time. This is going to be a journey. The element of time plays two roles in the rebuilding process. First, it takes time to heal the pain. Second, you also need time to add some positive experiences to a relationship that’s accustomed to pain. As two people spend time nurturing the relationship and storing up positive memories, the healing process is encouraged. Be willing to persevere.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Is Tithing Really That Important?

Q: We don’t feel like we have enough money to tithe. How important is that, really?

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A: The first question we would ask you is: Have you and your spouse gone over your budget in great detail so you know exactly what’s coming in and how much is going out? Have you really taken a strong look at the details of your budget? One husband shared this with us:

“About seven years ago, my wife and I got very serious about tithing. At that time we had a fairly substantial credit card debt. We knew it was important to pay that debt off. What has happened now is that the debt has continued to grow slowly. We have put every dollar we have into paying off the debt. Now I’m at a point where—and I’m going to tell this to everyone who doesn’t know it—debt robs your joy of giving to the Lord. We’re having a hard time tithing. As a matter of fact, I have prayed and this is what I believe: God wants me to get my debt out of the way so that I can get back to tithing and giving as he leads.”

Cash flow can be a real drain on a couple. The very first step is to really dig into the details of your budget. Often it is best to have a third party involved, too, because he or she might help you pinpoint areas where you’re spending that you don’t even think about. Another option is to spend thirty days tracking every expense you make, no matter how small. Take a little spiral notebook and every time you spend cash for something, write it down. That can be a real eye opener and help you see where you might be bleeding money.

But let’s go one step further. Maybe you’ve done that exercise and trimmed your budget to the core; there’s nothing else that is discretionary in your budget. What we’ve told people is that God wants you to be out of debt. He wants you to be debt free. Debt robs you of the joy of giving and actually puts you in the position where you’re the servant. Given that scenario, there are two areas of resources that you have—time and money. If you cut back some on the resource of money that you’re giving to your church, maybe you can give of your time and talents. Then get your financial debts paid off so that you can joyfully tithe once again.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Keep it Fresh

How many of your original wedding gifts are still around? If you were married only recently, you probably still have all of them—and perhaps a closet full of duplicates yet to be exchanged. Many of these gifts, the very things you wished and hoped for haven’t even been used.

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If you have been married for ten years or so, you are likely missing several things from your original cache of wedding gifts. A few pieces of your good china probably bit the dust—broken by you or one of the kids. Your first set of towels and linens is now threadbare and consigned to the rag bag. Your wedding toaster finally crackled, zapped, and gave up the ghost. Except perhaps for a few expensive items, your surviving wedding gifts are worth a mere fraction of their original value.

And for those of you who, like us, have more than 40 years of marriage under your belts, you may have to search a bit to locate some of those gifts. You can put your finger on a few important things but a lot of them are long gone. Worn out or broken, some gifts have been discarded. Your tastes changed over the years, so several items were dispatched via garage sales or trips to the thrift store. And when the kids moved out, you sent with them some stuff that you no longer use.

Bottom line: No matter how we try to prevent it, new things become old, stuff breaks down and deteriorates, and our physical bodies age. Decay is normal. This old world of ours is slowly winding down and falling apart. In fact, scientists tell us that everything in the universe is perpetually moving to greater and greater disorder—a state of entropy. Your best china will eventually turn to worthless dust. Your expensive new car will need expensive new replacement parts in a few years just to stay running. Your physically fit body will someday require supplements, therapy, glasses, or maybe even a pacemaker to keep you functioning efficiently. And even the modern marvels of medical science can only postpone the inevitable final breakdown of death.

Before you lapse into a blue funk, let us share with you the good news. Some things have the capacity to break the sentence of entropy hanging over the physical creation. No, we’re not gearing up to sell you a bottle of snake oil or magic elixir guaranteed to reverse the aging process or eliminate gray hair or baldness. We’re talking about things that transcend the physical world. We’re talking about spiritual things.

As the apostle Paul suggests in 2 Corinthians 3:18, when you allow the Holy Spirit to do his work in your life, you are being renewed spiritually. So as you slowly grow older, weaker, and less agile physically, you can become more mature, stronger, and more agile spiritually. As your body ages and you look less and less like your old, youthful self, you can be more and more like the new you, who is being formed in the image of Christ. Think about it: On the day your physical strength runs out and you breathe your last, you should be just peaking spiritually, fit and ready for all the adventures of eternity with Jesus!

We happen to think this principle has a parallel in marriage. Why? Because, at the core, your marriage is a spiritual union ordained and blessed by God. Your special, God-blessed relationship with your spouse doesn’t have to grow old and wear out—even though the two of you may look and feel a little older every year. The magnetism that drew you together doesn’t have to diminish; it can even grow stronger. The warmth of passion that bonded your hearts at the altar is not destined to cool; it can and should burn even hotter. Your bodies may grow more decrepit with time, but your hearts don’t have to.

God’s version of married love is like a potted plant. Unlike a bouquet of cut flowers, which after a few days dries up and crumbles, a potted plant is alive. It can bloom again and again. What we all need is a love that allows our relationship to grow continually and blossom repeatedly. We call this facet of love renewing love.

But beware: Unless a marriage is purposely kept fresh and nurtured, it will become as worthless as that old toaster that vaporized before your tenth anniversary. Marriage is a dynamic love relationship between a man and a woman, a relationship that is either growing deeper and richer, or stagnating and decaying. Your marriage doesn’t have to wear out or break down, but it takes initiative and effort to reverse the process of entropy.

The real heart of renewing love is a commitment to never stop growing together. It’s an ongoing promise to love to the utmost of your ability—and to never leave. It’s a commitment sealed by the unbreakable bond God formed between you and your spouse when you made that one-of-a-kind promise. It’s a living commitment powered by God.

Just as you grow deeper spiritually by welcoming and participating with the work of the Spirit in your heart, you grow deeper as a couple by welcoming and participating with the Spirit in your relationship. Renewing love works— if you work at it together.

*For more helpful insights on how to connect with your spouse, check out Renewing Your Love: Devotions for Couples in our online bookstore.

Is My Future Marriage Already Doomed?

Q: I want to get married, but my parents had a terrible marriage and got divorced. Does this mean my marriage is more likely to end in divorce?

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A: Some of the most teachable people we know have been through their parents’ divorces. God has taken those experiences and, through his grace, given a new start for their own marriages. You will have to be teachable—that is key. You will have to unlearn some attitudes or assumptions that you may bring into your marriage—because what you saw as you were growing up obviously didn’t work.

Like most couples, you face pressures from life’s many inconvenient, tragic, or evil circumstances. Sometimes a variety of pressures pile up on you all at once. Sometimes tragedy hits with the force of a wrecking ball, then goes away. Other times the same nagging pressure can hover like a dark cloud for months or even years. It’s not a matter of if your marriage will face pressure; it’s just a question of when.

If you want to divorce-proof your marriage against the storms and struggles of life, if you want a deeper bond and a richer friendship, you need what we call “persevering love.” It’s the kind of love that triumphs over trials and grows stronger when you are most vulnerable. Persevering love doesn’t just hang on through calamity by its fingernails; it hangs in there and thrives. It’s the kind of love described by Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:7: “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” Persevering love bonds marriages together like super glue and keeps them from falling apart.

We encourage you to be very wise as you consider marriage, seek God’s will carefully, and be ready to stand strong. You may be more tempted to consider divorce as an option because you’ve seen it happen, but don’t do it. Break the pattern of divorce, give your kids what you didn’t have, and above all learn to work everything out together.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

A Husband’s Top Sex Needs

The results of our survey of 700 men may surprise women! What did men say was their number one sex need? Mutual satisfaction. That’s right! The survey shows that although the physical act of sex is an important part of sexual intimacy for men, it is not the most important aspect.

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Men want fulfillment—for their wives, as well as for themselves. Coming in at number two and number three: connection and responsiveness.

Just as the women’s top sex needs are interrelated, the men’s needs are also interconnected. They are all about relationship.

Mutual Satisfaction

When we first started telling people about this book, many women said, “Five sex needs! I thought for men there was only one: Just do it!”

Yes, men need a physical release. In fact, they not only want it, but they actually do need it. Testosterone builds in their systems, and they need to release it. Yes, they do think about sex a lot, but God also designed them with a strong desire to need their wives to enjoy the experience just as much as they do.

More than 67 percent of the men who responded to our survey listed mutual satisfaction as their top sex need. They indicated that they believe a good sexual relationship is one in which both husband and wife experience satisfaction during lovemaking.

Sexual satisfaction is more than simply a physical release for a man. The purpose of mutually satisfying sex is not just orgasm but satisfaction through an emotional and spiritual connection.

A man feels like a man when he can please his wife. Wives, your husbands really want to give you pleasure. When a wife receives pleasure from her husband, he feels wanted. Their intimate sexual interludes affirm his masculinity. They say to him, “I love the things that make you a man.”

Connection

Nothing makes men feel closer to their wives than being physically and emotionally connected. That is why 66 percent of men ranked connection as a top sex need. Connecting inside the bedroom is pretty clear-cut; it’s sexual intercourse. Sex builds connection for a husband in the same way that talking and helping around the house build connection for a wife.

Being physically and emotionally connected is important though. Those connections don’t have to be big energy expenditures – but they do take some thought. What are the simple things wives can do to say “You are important to me” or “You are a priority” or “I love you”? Touching his arm. Rubbing his back. Holding hands. Putting a hand on his knee while you’re in the car together. These are powerful ways a husband and wife connect. When a wife understands her husband’s physical needs—both inside and outside the bedroom—she tells him clearly that she wants to connect with him.

The reason why connection improves a couple’s sexual relationship is that it increases a husband’s emotional dependency on his wife. His attraction toward her will increase. He will laugh with her. He will find her idiosyncrasies attractive instead of annoying. He will accept her completely.

Often men don’t have the wide range of emotions that women do because men weren’t reared to experience or express emotion. Wives, although your husbands do experience emotion, they often express it in a way that doesn’t make sense to you. So be patient with them. Sometimes the best way to unlock a husband’s emotions is through satisfying his physical needs for sex. Sexual release helps men become emotionally open.

What can frustrate a wife is having her husband pursue sex with her when she feels disconnected, angry, or preoccupied. Several wives have asked us, “How can my husband want sex with me when we’re not connected?” The answer is this: A husband more easily connects with his wife through sex than by talking about emotions. He is more able to connect to her emotions and be sensitive once he feels safe and once his sexual needs are met. It’s important for a wife to understand that sex is her husband’s avenue to connection.

Responsiveness

When a wife rejects her husband’s advances, he often interprets her lack of sexual response as “I don’t care about you” or “Your needs are not important.” Responsiveness is so important to husbands that nearly 63 percent of the men surveyed ranked it as a top sexual need.

When wives hear this, they usually ask us, “You mean I can never say ‘Not tonight’?” Not at all. There are undoubtedly times when having sex just isn’t going to work out. But it’s important to understand what a lack of response will communicate. When a wife turns down a sexual advance, her husband feels emotionally rejected. And deep down, men are extremely sensitive. Many people think women are the sensitive ones. Although that’s true, men are often even more sensitive, especially in the area of sex.

When a wife responds to her husband’s sexual need, he feels loved. But when she ignores or overtly rejects this need, he feels unwanted and unloved.

Responding to your husband’s sexual advances will build his sexual confidence and make him more tender and attentive. He will become a confident lover who pleases you in mature, appropriate ways. Although a wife typically needs tenderness before sex, a husband often needs a sexual release to experience tenderness.

*For more revealing insights about what your spouse’s most intimate sex needs are - and how to meet them - check out The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women in our online bookstore!