Healing from an Affair

Q: We’ve been through the pain of an affair. We want to move on and have an even stronger marriage. How can we do this?

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A: Your number-one goal is to rebuild trust. Recovering from adultery takes a lot of time and work that a counselor can help with, but two important aspects of moving beyond an affair are having commitment and having realistic expectations of each other. It’s difficult, but it can happen.

Begin each day with a clean slate and live obediently in the power of the Holy Spirit within you. Say no to the threats to your marriage and to the temptations to be less than the person God called you to be. Determine to guard your own heart, for you alone are responsible for your own thoughts, words, and actions. You are the one who must say, “No way!” when you are tempted to compromise your role as husband, wife, or parent.

You need a battle mentality. You need to draw a line in the sand and declare to the enemy of your heart, “Not me.” You need to make a commitment to guard your heart at all costs. Then you need to live out that commitment on a daily (even hourly) basis.

Decide that you will not knowingly do or say anything that will damage your marriage again. Individually and as a couple, commit yourselves to living obediently and creating a legacy that honors Jesus Christ. You want to leave behind two life stories that will encourage and equip your children and grandchildren for their marriages. You may want to do something concrete, such as carefully wording your commitment and printing it on paper. Then sign it, and keep it where you will see it often. Create one for yourself, then you and your spouse write your corporate commitment.

Be consistent with the basics. Study the Bible on a daily basis. Share what you read and discover with your spouse. Pray daily, on your own and with your spouse. Confess to God any known sin in your life. Live above reproach in all your activities so that God’s light can shine through you.

Having resolved to guard your heart against all threats to your marriage and family, how much of your commitment can you keep in your own power? If your answer was anything but zero, you may need to rethink it. Jesus told us, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). That’s right, you can’t do anything apart from your dependence on Jesus Christ. If you want to guard your heart, you need to see yourself as a branch that is utterly dependent on the vine to which you are attached.

Jesus is the vine; you and your spouse are branches. You need to rely on Jesus daily to guard your heart. Your pastor can’t guard your heart for you, and your favorite TV preacher can’t do it. Your Bible study group, your accountability partners, and all the good Christian books and tapes you can get your hands on can’t do it either. All of these things can encourage you and teach you, but only Christ can guard your heart. You can’t do anything without Jesus, but look what you can do with him. The apostle Paul testifies with confidence, “I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13).

God knows our hearts. He knows our fears. He knows our sins. He knows our deepest thoughts before we even think them. And yet how often we try to ignore or gloss over our inner battles, temptations, and attitudes hoping he won’t notice. We mistakenly think if we press on with a business-as-usual mind-set, he won’t be offended.

A vital key to guarding your heart is to come clean with God about what he already knows and sees. Don’t pull back from God when you blow it. Be open with him. Tell him everything, including how you feel. He’s not going away. He is available to you all day, every day. He wants to be involved in everything you are involved in, including your marriage. As you open yourself to him from the heart, you connect with the lifeblood of the vine, Jesus Christ, the source for guarding your heart.

*Our book, Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage, can help you understand different conflict styles and teach you how to move toward forgiveness and healing!

If His Needs Aren't Met...

In their book The Married Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, Christian sex therapists Clifford and Joyce Penner discuss what happens when men struggle with sex:

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“When a sexual struggle invades your relationship, it attacks your self-esteem—and your wife’s. As you feel worse about yourselves, both of you will respond with characteristic weaknesses. You may withdraw, become more aggressive, deliver put-downs, show frustration or anger, or otherwise damage your relationship. Sexual dilemmas have a way of perpetuating themselves. . . . Spouses avoid each other because they don’t want to fail again. When they finally do connect, both are anxious and feel pressure to succeed. The likelihood of success lessens, and the problem grows.”

A wife needs to understand that when she makes only a halfhearted effort to have sex with her husband, he hears these messages:

• “I’d rather be doing ten other things than making love to you right now. You’re just not worth my effort.”

• “You don’t do anything right.”

• “You don’t attract me the way you used to.”

When a husband receives those messages—whether or not they are what his wife intends—he feels rejected and reacts in several ways.

1.      He may withdraw sexually and emotionally. When a man feels disrespected and disconnected, he may not verbalize it well. Instead he may withdraw. When a wife rejects her husband’s request for sex, it’s not that he feels the attempt failed; he feels that he’s a failure. A wife can say, “That’s not what I’m communicating.” Maybe so, but that’s how it feels to her husband. Even when she says no for a valid reason, rejection to a man spells one thing: rejection. And when the rejection happens often enough, he will shut down.

2.      He may become angry and resentful. When a man’s need is unmet, he will try to fix it, control it, or change it. If he can’t, before he pulls away and goes elsewhere (to solitude or to another woman), he may grow frustrated and then angry. The frustration arises from being misunderstood, disrespected, or unheard. Unresolved anger then becomes bitterness or resentment, ultimately resulting in isolation.

He may express disappointment. He may not be able to say, “I feel disappointed,” but you can sense his disappointment. He may frown or pout. His anger may be passive-aggressive: not cooperating, not listening, avoiding contact, or coming home late from work with no phone call. Or his anger may come out through criticism or harsh comments.

Many of a man’s emotions go through the gate of anger. Fear, frustration, irritability, sadness, rejection, hurt—all are usually expressed through anger. This man, while expressing anger, was also experiencing all these other emotions. Pent-up anger eventually is manifested in isolation, resentment, bitterness, and depression. If a husband is expressing anger regarding sex, invariably this strong emotion is a secondary emotion, covering an emotion even more vulnerable.

3.      He may become vulnerable to sexual temptation. Although a husband may not physically cheat on his wife, he may begin to fantasize or lust after other women. That’s what happened to Greg. During their eleven-year marriage, Greg’s wife, Kristi, rarely had sex with him, and when she did, she usually told him, “Let’s make this quick so I can go to sleep.”

“After several years of this,” Greg told Gary, “I began to think that this was just my lot in life and that I would need to learn to live with it. ‘I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength,’ right? But it’s not working out that way. My job requires that I work closely with several women, and they have expressed an interest in me. Until lately, I’ve never considered being unfaithful to my wife. But my wife’s rejection of me (which is not the way she sees it) has led to a fantasy life, and I’ve found myself drawn to other women who don’t think it would be so horrible to be intimate with me. I can’t believe I’m having these thoughts. But I just can’t shake them.”

The opportunity for sexual fulfillment outside marriage is constantly available to a man. Even though a husband is personally responsible for staying faithful and maintaining sexual boundaries, a wife’s behavior contributes to his vulnerability to temptation.

Most men are used to seeing responses to their actions. Work brings a paycheck. Running breaks a sweat. Initiation leads to a response in many areas of his life. But when a wife rejects his initiation of sex, he becomes upset—sometimes passively, other times indirectly, and maybe even overtly.

In Making Sense of the Men in Your Life, Kevin Leman writes, “Wife, in the twenty-first century, sexual disinterest on your part is flat out dangerous. Maybe in the Garden of Eden, where sexual images didn’t abound, sexual apathy could be managed. But this isn’t the Garden of Eden, and your husband isn’t living in a pure world. If you want him to be faithful, the least you can do is never give him a reason to look elsewhere.”

As a wife, you have great influence on your husband’s sex life. When you commit to fully engage with him before, during, and after sex, you help keep him fully focused on you.

*For more revealing insights about what your spouse’s most intimate sex needs are - and how to meet them - check out The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women in our online bookstore!

Do I Have to Date My Wife?

Q: My wife sometimes complains that I don’t pay her as much attention as I did when we were dating. Now that we’re married, do I still have to “date” her?

A: Of course you have to date her! You don’t know what you’re missing!

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Dating your wife will be very different from dating a potential wife, yet it is just as important. When you were single, dating was a time to get away alone, to talk, laugh, and have fun together. You took time to learn more about each other, about your pasts and your dreams for the future. You gradually felt at ease with each other.

But this time, your dating experience will be so much better! Think about it, the woman you’re going to date:

• Doesn’t care how much you spend on her or how well you dress.

• Has already seen you at your very worst—and loves you anyway.

• Doesn’t need to be impressed.

Who wouldn’t want to date this person?

Even though you’re married, you and your wife still need to get away alone to continue to talk, laugh, and have fun together. You need to learn more about each other, your pasts and your dreams for the future. You need to feel at ease with each other as you face new challenges together.

That’s why dating shouldn’t stop with marriage. Too often, married couples get settled, caught up in the routine of jobs, church, parenting, and other commitments. Many couples are so busy that they don’t take time to nurture their marriage.

You wouldn’t think of ignoring your car for a year at a time, so why do you think your wife can go for days or weeks at a time without attention from you?

So ask your wife on a date. It can be as simple or as fancy as you want. Take her to dinner. Go for a walk. Whisk her away for an overnight (don’t forget to set up a babysitter for the kids!). The sky is the limit. You probably were pretty creative when you were courting her. Draw on that once again. (Our book 40 Unforgettable Dates with Your Mate will give you some great ideas!)

And we can guarantee you one thing—the rewards will be well worth it!

Here are some fun ideas for celebrating your wife:

• Be accessible to her—always! Tell her where you will be and how long you will be gone.

• Let your coworkers know you can always be interrupted when she calls.

• Repeat your wedding vows often. Tell her that if you had it to do all over again, you would choose her again and again and again . . .

• Continually promise and reassure her that your love for her and faithfulness to her are “till death do us part.”

• Invite her to tell you how she desires to be loved, then seek to love her in that way.

• Give her a head-to-toe massage.

• Compliment her, especially for the little things.

• Send flowers or chocolates or whatever little gifts she likes.

• Lavish her with nonsexual touch.

• Call her during the day just to say hello.

• Put your arm around her or hold her hand in public.

• Say “I love you” before she does. Begin and end each day with encouraging words.

• Write notes to her regularly telling her how proud you are of her.

• Hold her hands and pray for her.

• Send her cards or love letters.

• Bring her breakfast in bed.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Encourage Your Husband to be a Spiritual Leader

Q: My husband won’t take the spiritual leadership in our home. I want our children to have that, so I’m doing it by default. How can I encourage him to get more involved spiritually?

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A: This is a very common question. Sometimes the problem is that men are shy about taking on this role. Sometimes they just don’t know how to do it because it wasn’t modeled for them in their own homes. We have heard many wives ask a very common question:

“I was hoping that you could offer me some tips for encouraging my husband to be a spiritual leader in the household. We attend church regularly together, but when I approached him about praying together on a regular basis he said, ‘Well, my family always said grace at the table. We could do that.’ But he didn’t seem as comfortable with anything else.”

Just mention the words devotions or praying out loud to a guy and many times he gets white-knuckled because he thinks back, Okay, what did my dad do? or Did my dad do this kind of thing? And if he didn’t have a dad who led his family spiritually, your husband is thinking, Who was my role model? Some men are learning and trying through men’s accountability groups or church groups. But some men aren’t the “group” kind of guys. So what can you as a wife do?

When you get in bed tonight, take your husband’s hands and say, “Honey, can I pray for us before we go to bed?” Just say a very simple prayer out loud, not lengthy, but something like, “Thank you, God, so much for my husband. Thank you for the love I have for him. Thank you for how hard he works. And I pray he has a great night’s sleep. Amen.” If you generate a tender heart and kind of show him a map on how to do it, then he can step into that pattern. This is not you leading by default; this is you showing your heart and praying on his behalf. Especially if he’s never had a role model, you can show how simple it really can be.

Then any time he initiates any kind of spiritual leadership—be it prayer, reading the Word, walking into a Christian bookstore and looking at a good devotional, getting everyone to church—encourage him. Even if he does something and you could have done it a lot better, encourage his initiative and keep your mouth shut about what may have been lacking. He may have to try it a few times before getting it exactly right. Be patient. Continue your personal walk with the Lord and uphold your husband in prayer. If you have to initiate for twenty years, then do so. Who knows? Maybe he’ll cover the last twenty years.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Can Trust Be Rebuilt?

Your spouse has blown it. You don’t trust him/her anymore. But you want to save your marriage. How can you learn to trust again? You’re going to need to rebuild your marriage from the bottom up.

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This is the stage when you both put your hands up and surrender. This is where there are tears of anguish over the offense caused and tears of relief that it has been confessed and admitted. Actual tears or just tears of the heart say very loudly the two words that the person who was hurt wants to be convinced of, “I’m sorry.” This is where you get on your knees and say, “I can’t do this, Lord, I need your help to trust again.”

With that prayer comes the admission that you need God to help you in the rebuilding process. When forced to start at the bottom and work to rebuild, many times the spouse who has been hurt will do one of three things: run from it, deny it’s happening, or collapse into overwhelming fear and be unable to cope. If you get stuck in one or all of these, it gets you nowhere in the rebuilding process because you’re trusting in yourself to be in control.

Problem is, you are never in control. Unfortunately it may take a wake-up call to remind you of that. What you can know is that God is in control. When things get bad, you are called to turn your eyes off yourself and turn to him. Rather than depending on your own strength, which will only fail you, ask God for the strength to trust and love again.

You may have no hope that such huge problems can be solved. But when pain happens, you need to make a team. This is when you and your spouse join together and join God as you work through restoration. A counselor could be a part of the team as well in helping you work through the rebuilding process.

Next, you and your spouse need to start talking. Pray before communicating. If you’ve depended on God for strength to trust, you can also depend on God to help you communicate what’s really going on so that the other person will best understand. Be honest and yet speak the truth in love. This is when you both communicate your needs and your pain while working to regain trust.

As you talk to each other, don’t be talking to everyone else. While there is a time for your Christian friends to be involved in helping you through the difficult times of your life, this is not one of those where they need to hear all the details. This is between you and your spouse. As you work to rebuild your marriage, hold each other in respect enough to keep your mouths shut around your friends.

Be prepared for attacks. Remember, when you start to rebuild your marriage, the enemy will do all he can to tear it down. The last thing Satan wants is for you to be reconciled. He loves to put isolation and distrust into a relationship and drive people apart. When you seek to restore a relationship, the enemy gets busy and starts to throw doubts at you from within and attacks you from the outside. No matter who wants you to stay apart, God wants you to reconcile. Be aware and be ready for resistance!

Finally, don’t rush this process. It’s going to take time. This is going to be a journey. The element of time plays two roles in the rebuilding process. First, it takes time to heal the pain. Second, you also need time to add some positive experiences to a relationship that’s accustomed to pain. As two people spend time nurturing the relationship and storing up positive memories, the healing process is encouraged. Be willing to persevere.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!