How to Meet Your Husband's Sex Needs

Over the past few months, we’ve been digging into the sex needs of husbands and wives – and how you can meet the needs of your spouse. We’ve covered the top needs of both men and women, and how a husband can meet his wife’s sex needs. This month, we focus on how a wife can meet her husband’s needs.

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Wives: We encourage you to invest in your husband. Love him. Meet his needs—for his sake and for the sake of your marriage. How can you do that? Pick a few of the following suggestions, and begin the process of meeting your husband’s sex needs.

1.  Realize sex plays a major role in helping men process life. Sex has the miraculous ability to clear a man’s mind, helping him solve problems. Women often resolve problems by talking things out; men often solve problems when they have sex with their wives.

2.  Say yes as often as possible. The fastest connection charger is to say yes to sex. Basically, if a wife gets only one thing from this particular blog, it needs to be the importance of saying yes. If she wants to connect with her husband, the best way to do that is through sex.

3.  If you must say no, don’t say it right away. When your husband wants to be involved sexually with you, don’t immediately close the door. Recognize it as a real need and consider that your positive response is one way you can love and serve your husband. Again, remember the apostle Paul’s words: “Love is patient and kind. . . . It does not demand its own way.” Then, if you must say no, be prepared to do two things: Give an honest reason for the delay, and then suggest a time when you might be more ready to respond to his needs.

4.  Decide to enjoy sex. Sex actually starts in the mind. You can choose to enjoy sex, or you can choose not to enjoy sex. Your decision becomes a trajectory for your relationship—inside and outside the bedroom. In a majority of couples we talk to, we find that women really do enjoy sex when they start out by choosing to enjoy it.

5.  Help your spouse know how to please you. If your husband does not know how to please you, teach him. Men are not mind readers—especially in bed. Your husband needs to know what gives you pleasure. When you are making love, place your hand over his and lead him. Whisper in his ear what you would really like him to do. There is nothing embarrassing or shameful about that kind of communication.

6.  Get over shyness. God designed us to be sexual, to be vulnerable. Wives, start to voice your needs. When you become more specific about what you desire in the bedroom, both of you will benefit. Trust us, a husband will not respond in disgust or outrage. Husbands, make sure that you do not misuse that trust. What you and your wife do is not something to share with your buddies. What happens in the bedroom is private.

7.  Realize your husband’s emotions may not work like yours. A woman easily shifts from one emotion to another. For instance, if her husband doesn’t talk to her much, she may think, Is he sick of me? Does he think I’m fat and old? Maybe there’s someone at the office he finds more interesting and attractive. Women can go from point A to point Z in a matter of sixty seconds. Meanwhile, he’s thinking, I’m really tired. I can’t wait to watch that action movie tonight. Many men don’t think beyond the first emotion unless there’s a problem to be solved. They don’t usually over-analyze or go down the list of cause-and-effect. Wives will make progress in their marriages when they realize this truth.

8.  Take the 10 percent challenge. Wives, what would happen if you responded sexually to your husband 10 percent more than you do now? Many women ask us, “Am I meeting his need if I respond a lot but not every time?” Yes, but really, that’s the wrong question. The number is not important. What matters is the nature of the response and the connection that happens when you and your husband work toward anticipation and sexual satisfaction. Even a small shift in your responsiveness can bring your husband much joy and improve your marriage.

9.  Create a game plan. It may help to set up a game plan so that your husband will not take your hesitancy personally. The game plan can include the following aspects:

• If you must say no, be clear about the reason. It may be fatigue, fear the kids will overhear, or unresolved conflict. Instead of withdrawing, communicate and graciously tell your husband what you’re feeling. When he understands what you see as obstacles, he will be better able to work toward resolving the issue.

• Know what to expect. When a wife is not able to respond, one of the best things she can do is to let her husband know when he can expect to have sex, whether it is later that night or the next day. That usually resolves the situation much better than saying, “I don’t feel like it” and going to sleep. Talk together about how many times a week you would like to have sex so that both of you know what the expectations are. Some of you may feel awkward about planning ahead for sex, as if putting it on the calendar makes it feel forced. Yet planning ahead works for many couples, taking the guesswork and conflict out of the situation and giving the couple rhythm and anticipation.

• Follow up on a promise for sex. If you must say no, make sure that your no is “not right now, but soon.” We know that sometimes “later” has to be changed too. But a healthy marriage is based on trust; your spouse should be able to trust that you will follow through on what you say. When “later” never comes, pretty soon your spouse will doubt your word—not only in the area of sex but in other areas as well.

• Know each other’s needs and sexual rhythms, and show empathy. If you need to say no, don’t leave it up to your husband’s imagination to guess why. You don’t want him to think the worst! Be honest with him and talk with him about his needs and your own.

*For more revealing insights about what your spouse’s most intimate sex needs are - and how to meet them - check out The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women in our online bookstore!

Myths of Christian Marriage

Q: We have a Christian marriage—so why is it so painful? Shouldn’t being believers shield us from the problems we’re having?

A: Many Christian marriages just are not going well. Both spouses are Christians, but they can’t seem to get along. Both worship the same God, but have completely different understandings of how to live life. Sometimes they treat money differently, discipline the kids differently, worship differently, communicate differently, or even have very different religious beliefs. At other times, one spouse claims to be a Christian, but doesn’t live a Christian lifestyle.

The reality of marriage is tough. Since we’re fallen humans, we often face disappointment. Discouragement looms over us and, unless confronted and resolved, it distances us from our mates. Then we become angry with God and cry out, “Why have you allowed all of this hurt to enter my life?”

The hard truth is, your marriage will not be perfect just because you’re Christians. Beware of buying into the following myths:

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Myths of Christian Marriage 

Myth #1: If I have a daily quiet time and attend church regularly, I’ll have a happy marriage.

In church you often hear that if you spend time with God every morning and study the Bible, your life and marriage will go well. The truth is, every couple goes through tough times—even Christians. Jesus clearly states that “on earth you will have many trials and sorrows” (John 16:33).

Myth #2: Our marriage will be divorce-proofed if we’re both Christians.

Many Christian couples feel ashamed when they stand at the brink of divorce. They don’t think anyone will understand, so they wait to go for help until it’s too late. The truth is, being a Christian doesn’t guarantee you won’t feel like getting divorced. The key to a strong, divorce-proofed marriage is the hard work of living out what you believe and upholding the virtues of Christlikeness—especially during the difficult times.

Myth #3: Scripture can be a simple guide for our marriage.

Scripture can be a valuable guide for daily living—as long as you don’t misinterpret what it says. Scripture teaches that God intends for man and wife to be one unit, working together for the good of the whole. That means using your giftedness. Together you make better decisions than you do individually.

Myth #4: We need to keep our marital problems to ourselves.

You may imagine that everyone else has a happy and put-together marriage, so you don’t confess or share your problems with anyone who can help. But the truth is, God created us as social beings to live in community where we can help each other. By keeping quiet, you hinder the healing that could have come from sharing with these other people who may have faced what you’re facing. This type of sharing needs to come in ways that are not hurtful to each other and to people who can truly help.

Myth #5: Christian couples don’t fight.

Many Christian couples think that “peace-making” means not fighting, so they deny any negative feelings. They let things build until they explode over something trivial. It’s okay to fight. In the Bible it says, “‘Don’t sin by letting anger control you.’ Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27). We challenge you and your mate to bring up whatever has been bothering you within twenty-four hours. You’ll be amazed how your mate may respond. Just saying, “I feel angry,” will defuse feelings. Humble yourself enough to apologize and put things behind you.

Myth #6: I need to pray for God to change my spouse.

Many people spend much time in prayer begging God to change their spouses. They think that they’d be happy if only their spouses were different. Therefore, many couples find that as much as they pray, they don’t see any significant change in their spouses. The truth is: God wants to change you first.

Myth #7: The husband should be stronger in his faith than the wife.

We each grow toward Christ in our own way and time. Many wives become critical of their husbands’ lack of spiritual leadership, which causes them to push and their husbands to retreat. Remember: You are not responsible for your mate’s spiritual life. Step aside and let God work—that’s when your mate will feel God calling him or her to get serious about his relationship with Christ. It takes time, but only God can make a husband the strong loving leader that the wife always wanted.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Unlock Your Husband's Heart

A man’s heart is a precious and private thing. A man is less likely than a woman to bare his soul or communicate every thought. His heart is often locked up and protected.

As his wife, you hold the key to your husband’s heart. You are the one person who knows his deepest needs, the quiet things of his soul, his search and struggle for significance, his strengths, and the weaknesses he can hide from others but not from you.

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Make no mistake: You have significant influence in his life. A great deal of a man’s personal success and right choices can be traced back to the woman who whispers affirmation and encouragement in his ear at night. Here are ways you can love your husband:

Honor him and his world. Most men would admit that deep inside still lives a boy and his dreams. Wives, close your eyes for a moment and envision your husband as an energetic, bright-eyed ten-year-old shooting baskets—totally in love with life! His future at that point was all promise. He had great dreams and plans, perhaps to be a basketball star, a global adventurer, or president of the United States. Now think about your husband as he is today. Has he quit dreaming? If so, when did it happen, and why? Men need their wives to dream with them, to envision the possibilities, and to walk courageously into change. A man longs for the freedom to fully be who he is, assured that his wife will stand beside him through it all.

Avoid sabotage. You would never intentionally harm your husband, but you can inadvertently sabotage him without realizing it. How? By misusing power. Do you have any idea how influential you are in your husband’s life? It’s your voice that whispers into his ear at night. Your beliefs, behaviors, and decisions have as great an impact on him as most other forces. He listens to you and trusts your advice and counsel—whether it seems like it or not. This incredible influence carries with it great responsibility.

Love him unconditionally. Every one of us longs to be loved with no strings attached. Do you love your husband for who he is—right now, with all his imperfections? Or do you watch his every move with a critical eye? You can measure your love for your husband by comparing it to the standard described in 1 Corinthians 13. Are you patient and kind, or are rude and demanding of your own way? Do you keep records of your husband’s wrongs? Do you continue bringing up what was dealt with long ago? If you do not love your husband for all he is, you are leaving him vulnerable and your marriage unguarded.

Understand your differences. Yes, men and women are different. One of the most reckless things a woman can do is insist that her husband want what she wants, feel as she feels, behave as she behaves, think as she thinks. Likewise, I don’t know a woman who would want her husband to insist that she want, feel, behave, and think the way he does. Respect the gender differences by encouraging him to be all the man God created him to be!

Honor his friendships. Can you remember some of the guys your husband hung around with when you first met? Is he still in touch with them? Does he have a group of male friends? Your husband needs like-minded Christian men to reinforce his character qualities. He needs to be around guys who want to follow Jesus Christ regardless of the cost. Give him space to connect with other men who will sharpen him as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17).

Be his complement, his “helpmate.” Your very uniqueness can offer your husband qualities that fully complete him as no one else can! You can complete your husband and guard his heart by working with him, not against him. How? If your husband is struggling in an area, pray for him. Talk to him if he is open to that. Listen to what he is saying and not saying. And then let God work in his heart.

Commit yourself to him and to God. A wife may feel that she made a commitment once and for all to her husband on her wedding day. And in a way, she did. But recommitment needs to happen each day. Similarly, your lifetime commitment to God should be renewed daily as you seek to follow Christ moment by moment. Without a doubt, the most lasting gift you can give your husband is your rock-solid faith in Jesus Christ. Live your life with God as your first love. When you experience God’s unconditional love, he fills you to overflowing. And your husband benefits from the overflow of your dependence on Christ.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Set Up Guardrails to Protect Your Marriage

David and Joseph. Two prominent Bible characters. Both were godly men who faced sexual temptation. One yielded and paid a dear price for it. The other ran from temptation and was rewarded by God, even though he was falsely accused of sexual assault by the spurned temptress. We are talking, of course, about King David’s affair with Bathsheba (see 2 Samuel 11) and Joseph’s temptation at the hands of Potiphar’s wife (see Genesis 39).

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The contrast between how these two men responded to sexual temptation is striking.  King David spied Bathsheba bathing. Instead of curbing his misdirected sexual desire, he sought the woman out, took her to bed, got her pregnant, and eventually murdered her husband in an attempt to cover his sin. Their child died as part of God’s judgment.

If anything, Joseph’s temptation was even more intense than David’s. Joseph wasn’t searching the rooftops looking for trouble as David was. Joseph was going about his business as Potiphar’s trusted servant when his boss’s wife threw herself at him and invited him to her bed. What pressure! Yet Joseph did not hesitate or waver. He ran from temptation, even though he ended up in prison on a trumped-up charge.

One of the most subtle and potentially destructive threats to your marriage comes in the form of sexual temptation. We use the word subtle because it is rare to hear of someone like Joseph being overtly and purposely seduced by a person other than his or her spouse. The enemy of your heart and home doesn’t really need a gaping opening like that to ignite temptation. All he needs is a moment of unguarded fascination or attraction, a second glance at an attractive person, a sharing of marital problems with a “concerned friend,” or a few unbridled thoughts about “what if?” Like a cancer, small impure thoughts can grow into a disease that will threaten the life of your marriage.

How can you respond like Joseph instead of David in the face of sexual temptation? Guarding love sets guardrails into place long before the temptation hits. Like the guardrails on a steep, winding mountain road, these relational guardrails will protect you from plunging over the edge.

Let’s look at four important guardrails against the dangers of sexual temptation:

A strong relationship with the Father. A vital, growing relationship with God is your strongest guardrail. He knows how you are wired emotionally and sexually. The closer you stay to him, the greater will be your access to his wisdom and counsel for resisting sexual temptation.

A cautious relationship with people of the opposite sex. We’re not suggesting that you cut off all contact with the opposite sex. We’re talking about being cautious and alert to temptation and maintaining a margin of physical and emotional distance that will help you resist those temptations.

An open relationship with other Christians. You need a small group of trusted friends to encourage you to remain pure, to edify you when you are struggling, and to help restore you if you step over the line in some way.

A fulfilling relationship with your spouse. When you are emotionally or sexually thirsty, quench your thirst with your own spouse. When you are fully satisfied in your relationship with your spouse, neither of you will need to look elsewhere for gratification.

*Our book, Guard Your Heart, can help equip you and your spouse with the tools to protect your marriage. It's available in our online bookstore!

Can We Turn Things Around?

Are the problems in your marriage tearing you and your spouse apart? Is there anything that can be done to turn things around when you feel at the end of your rope? Yes!

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Believe it or not, there is a way not only to survive trials but also to grow even stronger in the process. How can you make sure that you and your spouse have what it takes to get through these storms? Here are five vital keys to building a fortress of love that will protect your marriage.

Connect and Stay Connected

Your ability to endure together in the hard times is directly proportional to the depth of your partnership in good times. Two hearts must link up to grow strong together. If you want to stay glued together in difficulties, you have to apply the cement of partnership now. Before you go your separate ways each day, give each other a heartfelt, “I love you.” Stay connected by calling each other during the day. Do what it takes to feel connected and present for each other even when you’re apart.

Make Your Relationship a Safe Place

Is your relationship a safe place where both of you can run from the troubles of life? Your spouse needs to know now that your loving arms will always be a shelter in the midst of a trial or tragedy. He or she will sense that assurance only if you practice empathy and comfort now.

Keep Communicating

It’s difficult to communicate during tough times. Even the smallest of trials can drive a wedge between a husband and wife. And if small conflicts can divide you, think how much more some of the devastating blows of life can push you apart. Trials are a threat to communication because they isolate you in your own thoughts. Trials have a way of forcing even the most communicative people inward.

Rest in the Truth That God Has a Purpose for Trials

If it were up to us, we would choose to navigate through life with as few problems as possible. God doesn’t see things our way, however. He has allowed trials in our lives to teach us to persevere.

Great marriages are often forged through difficult trials. Whatever you may be facing in your marriage right now, let the words of James 1:2-4 be both instruction and comfort: “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”

Decide to Tackle Trouble Together—Wherever It Takes You

We have found that our love for each other is glorious in the good times—the vacations on the beach, the memory-making experiences with the kids, the times of deep intimacy together with Jesus Christ. It’s easy to love in the good times. But when our marriage comes under intense testing, we still have in our possession what really matters: A love that won’t quit. No matter where our trials take us, we have each other.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!