When Eric’s wife initiated sex with him, it spoke to his heart.
“I can’t tell you how much my wife’s gesture meant to me. When she initiated having sex, it was as if she were screaming to me, ‘I love you so much. I understand the pressure you’ve been under. I want to give you the gift of sex. I know how much that will please you and give you release. Let’s go enjoy each other’s bodies.’”
We’ve discussed before a husband’s need for his wife to respond. We explained that her resistance to his sexual advances affects his confidence and view of himself. If a wife’s responsiveness strengthens her husband’s self-esteem, think about what her initiating sex will say to him. In our survey, nearly 61 percent of men ranked a wife’s initiation as a top sexual need.
Men enjoy spontaneity. That statement is so important for wives to understand that it bears repeating: Men love spontaneity. A husband needs his wife to initiate so he knows he’s not the only one who cares about their sex life. When she initiates sex, he realizes that she cares about his needs, loves him, and thinks about him. Her initiation allows him to take a break from initiating—and the fear of her lack of response—and enjoy a spontaneous sexual encounter. A wife’s initiation relieves him of the pressure of starting the process of sexual intimacy.
Of all the sex needs, initiation seems to be the most difficult for many wives to practice. As we discussed in a previous chapter, most women don’t regularly think about sex, so it doesn’t occur to them to initiate something that isn’t on their minds. But when women do think about sex, many figure that being responsive is good enough. In fact, some women think initiation is more a luxury than a necessary part of marriage. Well, they’re wrong.
Wives, be willing to step out of your comfort zone and become a sexual initiator in your marriage. Here are some ideas to get you started in meeting your husband’s need for initiation.
1. Remember your husband is a sexual being. Honor your husband by taking seriously his need for sex with you. Consider it a joy and privilege to be the one God has chosen to satisfy those needs.
2. View yourself as a sexual being. Although some women are more aware of their sexuality than others, most women do not often think on a sexual level. But when we ask women, “When you are rested, when your husband has connected to you emotionally and spiritually and you feel safe, do you feel sexy?” most women respond yes.
3. Refuse to buy into myths about sex. Women often believe that they must be in the mood to initiate sex. Here is how Clifford and Joyce Penner respond to that myth: “In real life, the more preparation, anticipation, talking, guiding and scheduling you put into your sexual times with each other, the better they likely will be. If you wait for some mysterious erotic energy to grab you before you have sex, you may not be having sex very often.”
4. Keep sex vibrant in your marriage. Many women think there’s nothing they can do to increase or maintain their sexual desire—it just comes and goes. But remember: Sex begins in the mind. Start thinking about sex. Plan for it. Mark it on your private calendar. Initiate sex with your husband at least a couple of times each month. Save energy for sex. Pray about it, asking God to give you a desire to initiate with your husband.
5. Pay attention to your body’s sexual responses. Ask God to help you recognize sexual thoughts and desires more. Even a flicker can be a great jumping-off point. Take advantage of your increased sexual urge during your hormonal cycle. A study published in Human Reproduction states: “Researchers speculate that a woman’s libido may rise during ovulation or that her sexual attractiveness to partners may increase. It could also be that intercourse accelerates ovulation.”
6. Become more adventuresome. One of the biggest reasons women don’t initiate is because they are nervous and afraid. Women who aren’t sexually adventurous like to stick with what works. But practice will make it more natural and less awkward. Stepping out on a limb to please your husband will demonstrate your love for him. Even if it’s awkward for you at first, your husband will feel honored and loved if you make the effort.
7. Ask your husband for advice. Outside of the bedroom, in the calm light of day, ask your husband for some specific things you can do to initiate sex with him. A husband dreams about his wife’s approaching him for sex, desiring him. Ask your husband what he’s always dreamed you would do to start making love to him. Marriage counselors David and Claudia Arp have a great idea called “Here’s What I Would Like!” Have your husband make a list of what he would like you to do to initiate sex. Then categorize the items on his list, using the following rating system:
This will help you communicate with your husband about what you are willing or comfortable to do to initiate sex with him.
8. Practice. What’s the old cliché? If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Your husband is not going to laugh at you or reject you for breaking out of the routine to spice up your love life. Hardly. He’ll most likely cheer you on.
Sex therapists say that the more a couple have sex, the more they enjoy it. The more they enjoy it, the more they do it. Part of getting it right is enjoying sex along the way. Have fun! It’s an adventure. Take the risk.
*For more revealing insights about what your spouse’s most intimate sex needs are - and how to meet them - check out The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women in our online bookstore!
