Q: My spouse just walked out. I’m devastated. Where do I turn now?
A: You surely feel like you’ve been kicked in the stomach when this happens—this situation is so incredibly painful.
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What can you do?
Stay teachable. Stay close to Christ. Go to your church for the spiritual authority and security to help guide you as you’re processing this.
Don’t retaliate. Don’t do anything that will lower your integrity and your walk with Jesus because that will only misfire in the long run.\
Pray that your spouse gets through whatever it is he or she is searching for, because it’s dishonoring God, it’s dishonoring you, it’s dishonoring biblical marriage. When spouses do this, they are chasing a lie. They are searching for something, and rather than honoring biblical marriage, they look outside of the marriage. And if other people are involved, they too are searching for something and crossing their own boundaries.
Set appropriate boundaries. Seek reconciliation, but be realistic about what’s going on. If your spouse left you for another person, and then if he or she tries to come back to you at any point, don’t step into a sexual relationship without him or her seeing a physician. A lot of people are shocked when we say that. But we’re just being realistic about the possibility of disease. Even if there’s reconciliation, there are still consequences that need to be considered.
If there is to be restoration, there will need to be brokenness and repentance. If he or she initiates some type of contact, you need to guard your own heart. Deal with hope certainly, but don’t be ruled by your heart. Be hopeful for restoration and pray for restoration, but your spouse has to do some fundamental changing and repenting before you attempt to reconcile.
As painful as this is, grab hold of the promise that God is going to forge beauty and strength into your character and your walk with Jesus Christ in your response to this. You’ll have plenty of emotional times, and you’ll need the safety and security of a pastor or a healthy biblical counselor and of godly men or women in your church. They can surround you as you walk with Christ through this difficult time.
Also remember that your spouse is rejecting God first. Second, rejecting self. Third, rejecting the institution of marriage. And fourth, rejecting you. So even though it feels like it’s all about rejecting you, you in many ways are not the primary target. Your spouse is rejecting God, and God needs to handle it. So pray for your spouse. Pray that God will draw your spouse back. More than anything, more than even your marriage, pray that God would reveal himself to your spouse and bring spiritual restoration, whatever it takes. That has to come first.
If you do those things and your spouse does not return, at least years from now you will always know that you walked with integrity. Remember that Jesus loves you, that you are precious to him, that he died for you and he rose again for you. You are his and he is yours. Nothing can separate you from the love of Christ.
*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!