It’s a question we’ve been asked many times: “Why should we get married? Isn’t living together easier?” We know many young adults are keenly aware of the fragility of marriage today. They see so many people getting divorced (in many cases, their own parents) and they often know firsthand the heartbreak of divorce. So often they believe they will forgo marriage and just live together – with the mistaken notion that if it doesn’t work out, they can call it quits and it won’t hurt at all.
Recent research from the Pew Research Center shows that the share of U.S. adults who are currently married has declined modestly in recent decades, from 58% in 1995 to 53% today. Over the same period, the share of adults who are living with an unmarried partner has risen from 3% to 7%. While the share who are currently cohabiting remains far smaller than the share who are married, the share of adults ages 18 to 44 who have ever lived with an unmarried partner (59%) has surpassed the share who has ever been married (50%), according to a Pew Research Center analysis of the National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG).
(“Marriage and Cohabitation in the U.S.” by Horowitz, Graf, and Livingston, Pew Research Center)
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Often, people think living together before marriage (cohabitation) seems like a good way to get some of the benefits of marriage and avoid the risk of divorce. Many young couples are saying to themselves, “If we’re going to marry for life, then we need to have a test run first.” Sounds logical, right?
Cohabiting may seem like a good idea at first, yet the consequences are significant. By just “testing out” whether you can be married, you’re already starting on the wrong foot. You see, marriage is based on a commitment that you’ll stay together for better or worse. By living together with the option to get out if things go bad, you’re not actually trying out marriage at all.
Far better to take your time in any relationship. Make sure you have a friendship. Seek advice from trusted friends and guidance from God. Enter marriage with your eyes wide open and the back door closed. Enter marriage with the idea that it is for keeps. Then, as you weather the storms together, you are that much stronger for it.
Here are five reasons living together before you’re married isn’t a good idea:
Maladjustment and high probability of divorce. You get married and then have to work out a whole new way of dealing with each other than when you were just living together. This in itself causes stress on the marriage that wouldn’t be there otherwise.
Sexual difficulties. Oftentimes sexual dissatisfaction will develop. In order to live together, couples often use the excuse that they need to find out if they’re sexually compatible. Problem is, they are again “testing” in the wrong venue—with the option to get out, look for others, or even have sex with others during the “living together” period. Marriage changes all that, often for the worse in the minds of cohabiters.
Comparison issues. Dissatisfaction begins to haunt your marriage bed, which may explain why married couples who didn’t live together before marriage have more satisfying sex than couples who had lived together before marriage.
Eroded trust. If you were both willing to compromise before you got married, that lingers over your marriage. If you both were willing to take short cuts before you got married, what will stop either of you from cutting the corners once or twice after you’re married?
Biblical disobedience. We guarantee you: It’s not God’s will.
*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!