Have you ever been hurt by your spouse, burned in some way by the husband or wife you trusted? If you can’t answer yes to that question, you either haven’t been married long or you married the proverbial angel! Couples won’t get far in their marriage before tripping over at least a few relational transgressions.
We have all been on the offending side of conflict, and we have all been on the receiving end, feeling the pain of hurt and disappointment. Whether you were hurt or caused the hurt, every offense in a marriage needs a resolution. Tragically most couples are without a clue about how to deal with offenses and regain the health of their relationships. Why? Because few have learned how to move past their disappointments. So rather than heal the hurt, they allow their hearts to harden. Frustrations and conflicts go unresolved.
Husbands and wives need a love that allows them to begin their relationship afresh after they hurt one another, a love that would enables them to move past offenses both large and small. The first secret to a lasting love is forgiving love, a love that heals hurts and helps spouses feel accepted and connected again.
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As we have worked with couples over the years, we have noticed a painful pattern for dealing with offenses in marriage. It all starts when one spouse offends the other in some way. Offenses may be major, or they may be as minor as hanging the roll of toilet tissue the “wrong” way.
Regardless of the severity of the painful incident, if it is dealt with quickly, it will have minimal consequences on the relationship. But many times the offender is unaware of the pain he or she has inflicted or is in no hurry to correct the situation. This leaves the offended spouse vulnerable to more hurt, just as a cut or abrasion in the skin may become infected if it is not cleansed. And the hurt only lingers or becomes worse until the offense is resolved. When hurt is not addressed, anger develops, and anger often prevents conflicts from being resolved peacefully.
One of the things we discovered when we went to God’s Word is that God never said, “Don’t be angry.” He said, “In your anger do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26, niv). Anger itself is not sin, but handling anger inappropriately may lead to sin—hurtful words, bitterness, or violence. Just as it can be difficult for us to recognize hurt, it can also be difficult to spot anger. As long as you deny that you feel angry over your unresolved disappointments and hurts, you won’t deal with the problem. But we guarantee: Where there is an offense, there is hurt. And where there is unresolved hurt, there is anger.
It is crucial to admit that our anger exists. We need to be open to what God can teach us whenever our emotions are stirred so strongly. You may find it difficult to admit and work through the hurt and anger caused by your spouse. But the process is often necessary to restore the acceptance and connection that results when you practice forgiving love in your marriage.
God has provided a biblical way to address anger and disarm the offense-hurt-anger pattern that robs your relationship of intimacy and connection. Whenever you experience the downward spiral of unresolved offenses, hurt, and anger, you have two options.
First, you can simply ignore the offense and the hurt while allowing the anger to fester. But beware: This will take your marriage to a sad place you never dreamed you would go. You may continue to stuff your unresolved feelings deep inside, resulting in bitterness, resentment, and depression. You may explode, venting pent-up anger without regard for how it wounds and alienates your spouse. Either way, by failing to break the negative pattern, you continue to wear each other down.
But you have a second option. It’s called forgiving love. When you face hurt and anger, you can decide to resolve the conflict. That’s the biblical way to deal with the offense-hurt-anger pattern. What we want to work toward—as individuals and as couples—is a commitment to address the pain and anger, to resolve the conflicts, to forgive the offender, and to renew the relationship. The goal is to bring the relationship to a place of healing, wholeness, and openness, helping you feel accepted and connected again.
Forgiving love safeguards your marriage by healing hurts and helping you feel accepted and connected. It’s the love that brings you and your spouse back together when the inevitable offenses of a married relationship have pushed you apart. It’s the first love every marriage needs if it’s going to last. And it’s a love that is securely rooted in God’s love for us.
Practically speaking, biblical forgiveness means that we actively choose to give up our grudge despite the severity of the injustice done to us. It doesn’t mean that we say or feel, “It didn’t hurt me” or “It didn’t really matter.” Many disappointments wound us deeply. But after we recognize the hurt, we should choose to let it go. And when we cause the hurt, we seek that same release from those we offend.
When you exhibit the grace of forgiving love toward your spouse, you change the entire tone of your marriage. Marriage becomes a safe place where you don’t have to hide your foibles and your failings. Instead of feeling scrutinized and condemned for your shortcomings, you feel accepted and forgiven.
When we forgive, we reap one-of-a-kind benefits. We are able to cast off the bondage of carrying an offense only God can bear. That’s the supernatural power of forgiveness. Through it, God allows us to start over. In fact, forgiving love allows a relationship to grow deeper and become more meaningful.
*For more about how to unlock the biblical secrets to a marriage that stays vibrant and strong for a lifetime check out our book 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love in our online bookstore!