Couples who spend time together are happier! Research has actually proven this is true.
The Minnesota Population Center at the University of Minnesota found that married couples in the U.S. are happier and more fulfilled when they are together rather than apart. Researchers looked at how much time was spent with a spouse each day and individual well-being during time spent with a spouse. They found that when a person is with their mate, they are almost twice as happy as when they’re not. They also found couples said their activities held more meaning and were less stressful.
(source: University of Minnesota, “Make Time for Your Spouse-Couples That Spend Time Together Are Happier Individuals)
But what if you feel like you’re the lowest priority on your spouse’s “to-do” list and don’t get to spend as much time with them as you’d like?
We often hear from husbands and wives who feel they just aren’t a priority in their mate’s life. Often it’s the wife who feels that way, battling for priority against her husband’s job, board memberships, organizations, church activities, etc. However, more and more we find men feeling that their wives just don’t have time for them either. Clearly this is a problem that needs to be dealt with in modern marriages. When we hear these kinds of stories, we recognize that the spouses’ busyness often goes much deeper.
So, think about your spouse for a moment. List out all the activities he or she is involved in and how much time those activities take. Then ask yourself if you think your spouse is trying to fulfill a need to feel significant in the workplace, significant in those organizations, significant in the community. If it’s not significance, maybe it’s performance. Does he or she feel the need to perform?
We ask those questions because often this kind of behavior goes way back. Your spouse may have grown up in a family where, in order to be significant and accepted, he or she had to perform well. Whether it was sports or grades or whatever, your spouse may have felt from early in life that he/she needed to always be doing everything, and do it with everything he/she had. Only then would there be love and acceptance.
When we wrote our book The Five Love Needs of Men and Women, we talked to people all around the country. We asked the question, “What do you need from your mate in order to feel love? What do you need in order to have a great marriage?” The number one thing we learned—and it’s from men and women alike—was that they desired unconditional love and acceptance above all else. Some people never got unconditional love and acceptance as they grew up. So they enter marriage with that baggage.
The next question is tougher: Does your spouse experience unconditional love from you? Does he or she receive love no matter what?
Begin there. Begin by loving unconditionally—even through all the board meetings and other activities. As you build that trust, you can begin to discuss your desire for more time with your spouse. Be honest. Be sincere. Be loving.
*If you want help to better understand your mate, check out our book, The 5 Love Needs of Men and Women. It’s available in our online bookstore!