We live in a pressure-cooker world. Most of us have more than our share of daily stress. On top of career demands, you have a spouse to love, kids to tend, and perhaps aging parents to care for. Each of these relationships is a privilege, but each one also clamors for priority status in your complex and busy life.
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Like every married couple, we have had our share of ups and downs: the joy of bringing new lives into the world, the dark uncertainty of illnesses and surgeries, the fulfillment of ministry to others, the pain of being ignored by each other. But through it all we have been committed to facing these ups and downs together as a team—partners and best friends in the whirlwind of life.
With the help of God, we have found our way through perilous life passages and withstood many trials. And in each case, we came through with greater determination, devotion, and a deeper love for each other because we took the precarious journey together.
Building a Love That Endures
Maybe you and your spouse have yet to be hit by a storm. Or maybe you are in the middle of one right now. No matter what you have faced in the past, you can be sure there will be trials in the future. We want to coach you on a way not only to survive those trials together but also to grow even stronger in the process.
What we need is a love that provides strength to withstand life’s pains. We believe persevering love is the answer. Persevering love stays strong when the storms howl in your marriage. Persevering love bonds you even closer together, strengthening your friendship. How can you make sure that you and your spouse have what it takes to get through these storms? Here are five vital keys to building a fortress of love that will endure in your marriage.
Connect and Stay Connected
Your ability to endure together in the hard times is directly proportional to the depth of your partnership in good times. Two hearts must link up to grow strong together. If you want to stay glued together in difficulties, you have to apply the cement of partnership now.
Before you go your separate ways each day, give each other a heartfelt, “I love you.” Stay connected by calling or texting each other during the day. Find ways to be readily available to each other even as you travel or tote the kids around. Taking time to connect and stay connected builds security and intimacy in a relationship. It’s part of building a lasting love. And it’s essential when trials hit.
Make Your Relationship a Safe Place
Is your relationship a safe place where both of you can run from the troubles and terrors of life? Your spouse needs to know now that your loving arms will always be a shelter in the midst of a trial or tragedy. He or she will sense that assurance only if you practice empathy and comfort now.
Some people feel too threatened to confide in anyone, sensing that no one really cares what they think or feel. Many see this kind of bonding in marriage as potential bondage. Some are so worried about losing personal freedom that they never attain the depth of fulfillment that comes from true closeness.
In reality, your marriage can be a fortress of protection where each of you is safe to show your wounds. Safety happens when your spouse is emotionally present—totally with you—and you are present for him or her. Your relationship becomes a safe place when you lower your defenses and share yourself fully with your spouse, knowing that you are accepted and loved for who you are, that you don’t have to pretend to be anything else. If you can provide this safe haven for one another, you are well prepared for any trial.
Keep Communicating
We know from experience that it’s tough to communicate during tough times. Even the smallest of trials can drive a wedge between a husband and wife. And if small conflicts can divide you, think how much more some of the devastating blows of life can push you apart. Here are three reasons why trials are a threat to communication.
Trials isolate us in our own thoughts. Trials have a way of forcing even the most communicative people inward. That halt in communication can be incredibly unhealthy.
Trials invite denial or the belief that you can handle it all alone. Denial is the handy psychological term for our tendency not to admit a problem exists. It’s a refusal to deal with the facts. Asserting that you can handle a problem alone may be a healthy sign of independence, but it may also be an unhealthy attempt to avoid looking bad or asking for help.
Trials leave us feeling that no one understands. Don’t believe the subtle lie that “no one understands.” Your spouse understands what you’re struggling through, though perhaps not fully. Reverse the roles for a moment. If your spouse was going through a crisis and thinking no one could understand his or her pain, you would hate being locked out. You would be hurt if your help and comfort were unwelcome. Why? Because as someone who has also faced hurt in life, you have genuine comfort to offer even in an unusual trial. If you ever feel tempted to lock your spouse out of your agony, resist that urge. Dare to open up.
Rest in the Truth That God Has a Purpose for Trials
If it were up to us, we would choose to navigate through life with as few problems as possible. God doesn’t see things our way, however. He has allowed trials in our lives to teach us persevering love, to help us bond together as best friends for life. We can’t say the trials have been fun, but we do appreciate what God is building in us in the process.
We have experienced the truth of Romans 5:3-4: “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us—they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation.”
If your confidence is only in your own ability as a couple to make it through life’s hardest moments, you are woefully unprepared. But when you acknowledge that God is sovereign over all of life, that nothing can touch you except what he allows, that his purpose in trials is to build your endurance and character, then you are ready to weather any storm. These are truths you can rest in now and forever.
Decide to Tackle Trouble Together—Wherever It Takes You
In your times of crisis and unbearable stress, you may secretly wonder if your spouse will draw closer to you and stand with you, no matter what, or turn away and let you battle the storm alone. You may also wonder if you have the strength to hang in there with your spouse or if you will be tempted to walk away. Now is the time to decide and agree together: Together we will tackle anything that comes our way, and we will stay together in it no matter where it goes.
When you commit to this level of persevering love, you are deciding to stick around through the suffering, to walk through pain, and to stay devoted through difficult times—until you are parted by death. You are offering your spouse the assurance that he or she will never be alone when trials come. Persevering love gains you the privilege of walking through every storm with your best friend.
*For more about how to unlock the biblical secrets to a marriage that stays vibrant and strong for a lifetime check out our book 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love in our online bookstore!