How to Stay Married

Love is the number one reason people marry in the U.S., according to the Pew Research Center. Nearly 9 in 10 Americans cited love as a very important reason to get married. And as for what helps people stay married, couples said having shared interests and a satisfying sexual relationship were very important to a successful marriage.

(source: 8 Facts about Love and Marriage in America, by A.W. Geiger and Gretchen Livingston)

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

And they’re not wrong! But those aren’t the only ways to keep a marriage strong. In fact, we like to say you can divorce-proof your marriage right from the start!

First, you must recognize the scope of the covenant you made on your wedding day. You must say with absolute conviction, “Divorce is not an option. We are married for life.” Without this firm pledge to God and to each other, your marriage is vulnerable to defeat from every angle. But when you take a stand on your lifetime promise, your marriage can survive anything. Banish the idea of divorce from your thinking. Your marriage is only safely divorce-proofed when you commit to never using the “D word.” Before you can ever know the deep security and confidence God intends for you to enjoy as a couple, you need to be certain that your relationship is rooted in a love that will never give up.

Why is that so important? Listen to Malachi 2:16 where God says, “I hate divorce!” If God hates something, wouldn’t it be wise to put it on your hate list, too? God is very serious about the covenant you made with him and with your spouse on your wedding day. He is unequivocal on this topic: Marriage is to be a lifelong commitment—period. Divorce should not even be considered an option.

Notice that God does not say, “I hate divorced people.” On the contrary, he loves all people, including divorced people. That’s precisely why he is so vehement on the divorce issue—he knows the pain it brings to the people he loves. It’s as if he pleads with us, “Divorce deeply wounds everyone involved. I don’t want to see you hurt. Do yourself a favor: Avoid the hurt by honoring your lifetime commitment.”

In the same breath as his denouncement of divorce in Malachi 2:16, God provides a two-pronged antidote to divorce. As you apply these commands to your relationship, you take major steps toward divorce-proofing your marriage.

First, he says, “Guard your heart.” This command suggests that there is something threatening marriage and you need to keep up your guard. Our culture openly condones and facilitates divorce. A person can get a divorce for practically no reason at all. It’s an easy out for anyone who doesn’t want to deal with even the normal conflicts and adjustments of married life. Our culture seems to say, “If your marriage isn’t working out the way you like, just divorce your spouse and look for one you like better.” The “wisdom” of the world, disseminated through such dubious channels as tabloids and talk shows, says, “Divorce is the solution to your marriage problems.” But God says, “I hate divorce,” and he warns us to avoid this casual attitude toward the solemn vows we recited before him.

God’s second antidote for divorce in Malachi 2:16 is, “Do not be unfaithful.” You promised to love, honor, and cherish your spouse. He or she is counting on you to keep your word. Don’t break faith by going back on your vow. Pour your energies into unqualified love and faithfulness in marriage instead of making excuses and looking for loopholes. Continually ask yourself, “How can I help make our relationship richer, deeper, and more fulfilling despite our conflicts and struggles?”

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Romance: Love in Action

We’re continuing our monthly series from our book, The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women. We’ve already hit the top 4 needs for both husbands and wives, so we’re down to the end of the list. So what did women rank as their #5 sex need? Romance. Many of you husband may be thinking, “Okay. Of all of my wife’s sex needs, this is the one I know the most about."

Photo by Drew Rae from Pexels

Men, we hate to break this to you, but most women do not equate romance with sex. Several years ago we conducted a survey about how husbands and wives defined romance, and we found that men and women are quite different in this area. Of the husbands we surveyed, 50 percent said the most romantic thing their wife ever did for them involved sex. Of the women we surveyed, not one of them ­directly mentioned sex in their understanding of romance.

A wife feels romanced when her husband does anything that shows he cares for her and thinks about her. Romance is the bridge between love and sex, so when a wife’s need for romance is not met, she struggles to move toward sex. She views her husband more as preoccupied and distant than as her lover. Will she still agree to have sex? Probably. But it’s not as exciting or enjoyable for her as it could be.

Many things can deter romance: misunderstandings, the distractions of home, work, kids, and life. But without frequent doses of romance, a sexual relationship will get boring and shrivel up. Romance is a must if you want your sexual intimacy to deepen.

So what is romance? Love is a feeling; romance is love in action. Romance is something you do to express the love that you feel.

One thing you can do is ask yourself this question: When I was dating my wife and trying to win her heart, what really got her attention? Men tend to stop thinking about those things once they get married. But a husband needs to realize that life’s responsibilities have a way of wearing down his wife. She needs him to romance her all over again.

When men hear the word romance, they often become intimidated. Two images pop into their heads: a dollar sign (money) and a clock ticking (time). They imagine they’ll have to spend a week thinking of what to do, a week planning the special event, and a week earning the money to pay for it!

But the real reason many men feel intimidated by romance is because they fear rejection. Perhaps a man has asked his wife several times to reserve two Saturday nights a month as date nights, but every time she has an excuse: she’s tired, the kids need her, the house is a mess. Or a husband might give up romancing his wife because he’s afraid she won’t like his romance ideas. But allowing fear to have the upper hand will harm their desire for sexual intimacy.

Husbands, we have good news. According to our survey, romancing your wife often means doing simple things that don’t require much time or money. Here are some ideas to try:

1. Learn your wife’s love needs. What makes your wife feel cherished and deeply loved? Study her. Ask her what romance means to her and how you can meet that need. Then really listen to her answers.

2. Be tender. An important element of romance is tenderness. Hold her hand and caress it. Touch her face. Tenderly play with her hair. Remind her why you fell in love with her.

3. Show your wife that you care. Pay attention to what your wife likes. For instance, Alice likes to dress up when she and her husband go out, but her husband doesn’t. It means a lot to her when he takes a shower, smells good, and puts on nice clothes when they go out to eat.

4. Remember days that are important to your wife. Fill your calendar with reminders for your wife’s birthday, significant anniversaries she would want to celebrate, Valentine’s Day, and any other days that are important to her. Then celebrate those days with a card, gift, flowers, a getaway—whatever is meaningful to your wife. If you’re not sure what she likes, ask her.

5. Surprise her. You can surprise your wife in so many simple ways. Write a love message on a Post-it note, and put it on your bathroom mirror. Make her breakfast some morning. Give her a card for no other reason than to say “I was thinking about you.” Take home a treat she likes. Send her flowers at home or work. There are so many possibilities!

6. Occasionally make a splash. Do something big and exciting. A special getaway, a fancy dinner and night out to a play – something you wouldn’t normally do. Most of us can’t afford a big splash very often, but once in a while it’s good to make a memory.

7. Share secret “special somethings.” “Romance is something he does just for me—not for anyone else,” said Nikki. “For instance, he always taps out ‘I love you’ on my arm or shoulder when we’re in a crowd and can’t verbally say it. It reminds me that he’s thinking of me and loves me.” Another woman said, “When we’re in public or as I’m driving away from the house, my husband will hold up three fingers, which means ‘I love you.’” Create a secret code that only you and your wife share.

8. Get away. As family responsibilities and challenges mount, husbands and wives lose track of each other’s needs. Sometimes it takes getting away from the pressures at home to get to know your spouse again. Plan a night to be together. Go for a long drive in the country, and take roads you’ve never taken before. Enjoy the adventure. Leave town—without the kids! Take mini-vacations.

9. Shake things up a little. Instead of doing the normal dinner-and-a-movie date, go see a foreign film or some quirky independent film. Instead of eating a meal on the deck, throw a blanket in the backyard and eat PB and J sandwiches. Lie outside on a blanket and count the stars.

10. If you think it, do it. If you think of a romantic idea during the day, do something about it! Don’t wait! Make the call to the restaurant for a reservation, stop at the store for that sweet card, or stop by the bakery for that special treat. Just do it!

*For more revealing insights about what your spouse’s most intimate sex needs are - and how to meet them - check out The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women in our online bookstore!

My In-Laws Can’t Forgive Me

Q:  We went through some rough times in the past. My spouse and I are reconciled, but my in-laws can’t forgive me.

Photo from Pixabay

A: This is a common problem—when there’s pain in the marriage, it tends to spill over into the extended family. Listen to Joel:

“My wife and I went through some real rough times awhile back. She filed for divorce and we were separated for a little while. The good news is that God has totally restored our family. We’re totally complete and better off than we ever were. But her family would rather me be totally out of the picture. They can’t forgive me and don’t understand why my wife has let me back into her life. We’re going to have Christmas day with them—her mom and dad and sisters and stuff. It’s going to be very awkward. How should I handle this?”

We coach people not to try to resolve a family conflict during the holidays because it can then create all sorts of difficult memories for all the future holidays. You need to go directly to your in-laws—maybe one-on-one. Talk first to your spouse’s father. Get together, try to exchange some pleasantries. Go for a walk or at least be somewhere neutral without distractions. Look at him and just say, “I love your daughter (or your son) and God is restoring our marriage.” Then add, “I want to wish you a merry Christmas. There may be some things that we could talk about after Christmas, but I just really wanted you to know that I am committed to this restoration and am so thankful that God has given us another chance.”

Of course, this isn’t going to solve everything. If you’ve been unfaithful to your spouse (that parent’s child), the parents are going to have difficulty trusting you. They may even ask, “Why should we trust you?” You need to realize that it’s going to take time to rebuild the trust you broke. And you can say that. At this point, however, you don’t want to get into a long discussion of what happened and what you’re going to do differently. In this first encounter, simply affirm that you are celebrating Christmas with them, that you are thankful that you can all be together, and that you are committed to the work that God is doing. Leave it at that. This paves the way for you to have a holiday celebration without having to ignore what they feel is “the elephant in the room.” Later however, after the holidays, you’ll need to honestly and sincerely express your sorrow and your repentance. Then you’re just going to need to live it out.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

My Spouse is Depressed. How Can I Help?

Depression affects more people than we sometimes realize. According to the National Institute of Mental Health an estimated 17.3 million adults in the United States had at least one major depressive episode. That represents just over seven percent of all adults in the U.S.

(source: National Institute of Mental Health)

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

If your spouse is struggling with depression, it may be difficult to know how to help. In our book, 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love, we identified six different biblical loves that can help a married couple through their years together. One of them is persevering love. That kind of love is what helps a husband and wife navigate loss, tough times, and setbacks and get through the other side.

We have been through difficult times. Gary went through a few months of depression. These times are not fun. They’re hard. But those are the times that can forge your marriage together.

What can you do to hang on—to persevere—when times are tough? If one of you is dealing with depression, do several things. (If one of you is dealing with medical depression, then be sure to see a doctor. These suggestions can be helpful with medical depression, but only in addition to your doctor’s treatment.)

• Spend time together and exercise. Take walks together. Try to stay active even though you don’t feel like it. Depression can suck you into a tunnel. You need to resist at every turn.

• Pray together. Read the Word of God together.

• Go out on brief dates.

• Remember that there’s a beginning, a middle, and an end to every problem. Have a “this too shall pass” attitude. Remind yourself that God will get you through this one as well, a step at a time.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Your Phone Could Harm Your Sex Life

It’s no surprise that smart phones have changed the way we live, but what you may not realize is that your phone may change your relationship with your spouse. A new survey shows that three quarters of adults bring their phone to bed with them – and more than a third of Americans say their sex life has suffered because of it.

Photo by Ree from Pexels

This survey also revealed that people who regularly bring their phone to bed are twice as likely to use their device rather than engage in romantic activity with their mate during the hour before they fall asleep. In fact, a quarter of those surveyed said the last thing they see before closing their eyes at night isn’t their spouse – but their phone.

(source: “No More Pillow Talk: Phones in Bed Taking a Toll on Relationships, Sex Lives,” by Ben Renner)

Wow! It’s something we may not often think about – but it could have a big impact on our relationship if we don’t make some changes.

There was some positive news from the survey: One-third of those surveyed said they’ve at least discussed and acknowledged the need to get off their phones more often while in bed.

So, let’s take back that time and be more intentional about how we spend it! If your sex life has become a bit boring (and your phone has been a distraction) there are some appropriate things you can do to make your intimate time together a little more exciting.

Here’s the great thing: God created sex! He could have created cross-pollination so that we send spores through the air to each other. He didn’t do that. He designed sex for procreation, but he also made it great fun! So how do you perk it up?

First, think spontaneity. Do something creative and different in order to bring romance and spark to your physical relationship. Women: Set the mood. Buy fun lingerie. Initiate (you won’t believe what that alone will do for your man!) Men: Realize that sex begins the moment you wake up in the morning. That goodbye kiss to your wife, that call during the day, that time you spent playing with the kids, that thoughtfulness to fill her car with gas—all those things will cause your wife to respond to you sexually. (You don’t believe us? Try it!)

Second, on the flip side, think intentionality. Be purposeful. Some couples will literally perk up their sex life by scheduling it. That may seem kind of counter-intuitive, but when it’s on your mental calendar, that busy day and those normal activities get spiced up simply by the anticipation of sex that evening. This creates fun and the anticipation alone will spice up your sex life.

You need to stay within appropriate boundaries as you spice things up. Don’t bring in pornographic videos or magazines thinking they will help. They won’t. Instead, be creative in other ways. Your sex life can be as terrific as you want it to be!

*For more revealing insights about what your spouse’s most intimate sex needs are - and how to meet them - check out The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women in our online bookstore!