Work Schedules Keep Us Apart

If you and your spouse have different work schedules, it can be difficult to find time to be together. Here's what one wife shared with us:

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“My husband and I keep very, very different schedules. And as a result, our sex lives are very rocky. My husband has come to the point where he’s frustrated and almost angry because I’m working and I take care of a two year old. He doesn’t get home till close to midnight. I get up at four. How do we find that area of compromise because I am tired a lot and I don’t want to wake up so we can be sexually intimate?”

More than 15 million, or 16.8% of all full-time wage and salary employees, work nonday and/or nonfixed shifts, that include evening shifts between 2 p.m. and midnight, night shifts, rotating shifts, and irregular shifts. Among dual-earner couples in the United States, one in four includes at least one partner who is a shift worker; this number rises to one in three if they have children. 

Recent studies have found that nonday shift-work schedules had negative effects on relationship stability, especially for couples with children. Among men married fewer than 5 years and with at least one child, working fixed nights made separation or divorce six times more likely than working days. 

Mothers married more than 5 years and who worked fixed night shifts were three times more likely than day shifters to experience separation or divorce.

(source: "Shift Work, Role Overload, and the Transition to Parenthood", University of Massachusetts Amherst Department of Psychology)

If your schedules are very different and there is simply no way to change them, then you’ll need to come up with a game plan. If you have to say to your spouse, “Honey, not tonight,” you’ve got to come up with an alternative that says, “Not tonight, but for sure this weekend” or whenever.

Maybe you’re going to have to put “sex” on your calendar (of course, not where your kids will see it!). Put it in code on your calendar at a time when you know you can give each other your best. Look forward to it and save part of your energy for it. Seem silly? It’s not, because this is such an important part of the marriage relationship.

If you and/or your spouse are concerned about how working opposite schedules is affecting your relationship - and your sexual intimacy - that shows wisdom and that you are alert to each other's needs. In order to guard your marriage in this area, it is vitally important that you find a way to make time for each other.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Where is Your Marriage Headed?

To keep anything fresh, alive, and in good order requires care, maintenance, and at times, repair. A marriage is no different. No marriage can last unless it is kept fresh and nurtured. Marriage is a dynamic love relationship between a man and a woman, and at every moment that relationship is either growing deeper and richer, or stagnating and decaying.

We can’t offer you a magic formula or a three-easy-steps program to marital bliss. We can describe a road traveled by thousands of couples that leads back to your dream. It is biblical design that is guaranteed to deepen and enrich your relationship beyond your fondest dreams. We can’t guarantee it will be easy, but we can guarantee following God’s design will lead you to a lasting love.

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We’ve created a marriage map that can help you take the pulse of your marriage and discover whether you are sliding toward deterioration or moving toward your dream.

1.  The Dream

The “dream” is a real place on the marriage map. It is the kind of marriage we all hope for and have tasted in our better moments together. It’s not the same as marital perfection – that simply doesn’t exist. The dream marriage doesn’t imply that we don’t wound each other, that we already know everything about each other, or that difficult circumstances won’t strike. And it certainly doesn’t mean closeness and communication happen automatically. You can be living the dream while still working diligently to improve your marriage. In fact, that’s the normal state of a healthy marriage relationship!

2.  Disappointment

Disappointment happens when you or your spouse fail to meet the other’s expectations in some way. Disappointments happen in every marriage relationship, but many couples haven’t learned how to deal with the relational disappointments in marriage. If you fail to address your disappointments as they occur, you may find yourself descending to an even more painful stop on the marriage map.

3.  Discouragement

A teachable couple seeks out the skills to resolve disappointments. Others allow disappointments to pile up, ushering in discouragement. Couples living in discouragement find that their basic love needs are not met in the marriage. They may not be ready to file for divorce because of it, but they are living far from their marriage dream and what God has planned for them.

4. Distance

Couples who have reached a point of emotional distance in their marriage aren’t difficult to spot. You see them in restaurants—husbands and wives who come in together, order and eat their meals, pay the bill and leave, yet don’t speak a word to each other the whole time.

God knew we needed togetherness as husband and wife. After God created the world and looked at what he had done, he said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him” (Genesis 2:18). When husbands and wives distance themselves from each other, they are fighting against God’s plan for their marriage and missing out on the blessing of oneness that God designed for them.

5. Disconnect

In the intimacy and security of the marriage commitment, a couple is free to share—and care about—each other’s deepest hopes, desires, fears, struggles, and pain. God’s plan is for husbands and wives to enjoy this deep, fulfilling relational connection. But when a husband and wife feel distant from each other, they no longer trust the other with their deepest longings and needs. So they stop sharing at this level altogether. They disconnect relationally. The walls of self-protection are erected, and intimacy is rare. In a disconnected marriage, a husband and wife may live together, but they are living virtually alone.

6.  Discord

Couples who are relationally disconnected are easy prey for conflict and discord. Instead of simply hurting each other’s feelings, you deeply wound each others’ hearts. Couples living in marital discord seriously wonder if their lives would be better without their spouses. Although discord in a marriage is not impossible to reverse, it is intensely dangerous. Unless the situation is defused and the combatants are disarmed, the dream of true love eventually dies, and emotional divorce is the result.

7.  Emotional Divorce

It is possible for a couple to be legally married and yet totally separated in heart. They live under a dark cloud of unresolved disappointment and discouragement. Their daily behavior is characterized by relational distance and discord. They may occupy the same house, but emotionally they live miles apart. We call this stop emotional divorce.

Getting Back to the Dream

Everyone reading this is somewhere on the road between dream and divorce. And if you are not purposefully moving in the direction of the dream, you are moving—if ever so slowly—in the direction that ends in divorce.

As you evaluate where you are, we trust that you have been challenged and encouraged to join us in the journey back to the dream. Marriage takes work if it is going to grow. As difficult as it may be for you to admit that your marriage falls short of the dream, we hope you have been captivated by the reality that there is a path that leads back to the marriage you have always wanted

We believe that the path back to the dream marriage is paved in love, but not just a generalized kind of love. We have identified six kinds of love—six secrets—that will help you recapture your dream and build a love that will last. In the upcoming months, we will unpack these six loves, which are rooted in God’s Word.

• Forgiving love

• Serving love

• Persevering love

• Guarding love

• Celebrating love

• Renewing love

These six loves are the secret to a lasting love. As you begin to practice loving in the ways that God instructs, you will shield your marriage from the ravages of disappointment, discouragement, distance, disconnect, discord, and emotional divorce.

*For more about how to unlock the biblical secrets to a marriage that stays vibrant and strong for a lifetime check out our book 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love in our online bookstore!

How to Have an Argument

It’s not a matter of if, but when, you and your mate will have an argument. It’s a natural part of any relationship, but did you know there is a right way to argue? You have to be purposeful and prayerful, but you can argue in a healthy way in your marriage. Here are some helpful tips:

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1. Clarify what the actual conflict is.

   Make sure each of you understand WHAT you are upset about and WHY before moving any further. This saves time, frustration, and hurt.

2. Stick to the issue at hand.

   Don’t bring up issues from the past.

3. Maintain as much tender physical contact and eye contact as possible.

   This shows your mate that your love is unconditional. It may be as simple as holding hands or placing a hand on the other’s shoulder.

4. Avoid sarcasm and exaggerated comments.

   This can be cutting and hurtful and will turn your mate off quickly. Be rational and reasonable when disagreeing; keep things into perspective.

5. Avoid “you” statements.

   These can sound accusatory and immediately make your spouse defensive. Try to relate to him or her how the action made you feel, think, hurt.

6. Don’t resort to name calling.

   This will cause deeper pain through hurtful words. If this happens, you should continue the discussion later when you’ve both calmed down.

7. Avoid power statements and threats.

   Don’t say things like, “If you don’t sit up from the couch, then I won’t talk to you . . .” Don’t threaten divorce—this can only cause the other person to lose security and feel that the love in your relationship is conditional.

8. Don’t use the silent treatment.

   Silence will not resolve anything and will only lead to a greater chasm between you and your spouse.

9. Keep your arguments private.

   Your relationship is between the two of you. It will embarrass and belittle your mate if you share your arguments with others.

10. Repeat what you think the other person said.

    This will avoid misunderstanding and dangerous assumptions.

11. Resolve hurt feelings before continuing with conflict resolution.

    Hurt feelings can act as a stone wall that won’t let you get to the conflict. Deal with them first. Apologize for any hurtful statements so that you can move to resolving the real issue.

12. Resolve that both of you will win.

    Continue to work on the situation until both of you feel comfortable with the solution.

13. Strive to reflect honor in all your words and actions.

    Honor is paramount in a marriage. Guard it always, even in the face of conflict.

14. Pray before resolving the conflict.

    This will focus both of you on the Lord and open you up to start communicating in an honorable way.

 *For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Navigating Holiday 'Potholes'

The holidays can be a wonderful time of laughter and love and gatherings with family. But it can also be a time of conflict and stress and hurt feelings—especially in a marriage when you’re bringing two families together. So what can you do to navigate those Christmas “potholes”? We’ve got some tips for you!

One of the big issues that comes up with couples is when one spouse likes to spend holidays with his/her own family, but the other spouse would rather it just be the two of them. 

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What marriage hasn’t gone through this? We recommend to every married couple that they understand the importance of “leaving” and “cleaving”—that is, of separating themselves as a married couple. Holidays are an excellent opportunity to begin your own traditions as a married couple. Then, the ideal situation is to share and give attention to both sides of the family. 

If your parents are wise, they’ll understand how important it is for you to establish your own family, your own traditions. Parents should do everything possible to bless their adult children in making those decisions, letting them know that as much as they’d love to be with you, they want you to have your own traditions and they want you to continue your relationship with the other in-laws. 

However, not all parents will be so understanding. You’ll need to be cautious about control issues that might be coming from a set of parents. You need to be gracious and kind as you finesse this situation year by year. And if children are added to the mix, it just gets stickier. However, you can make it work if you communicate with each other, compromise as needed, and establish clear guidelines to which you both can agree. 

Another common issue for couples is conflict with the in-laws. These conflicts are tough because even though it seems like they’re outside the marriage, your attitude toward your in-laws can undermine your relationship with your spouse. Your spouse feels pulled to protect and love you, and yet at the same time probably feels pulled because he or she wants you to love his or her parents. You both want to be able to have a nice time with the grandparents and the grandkids. Everyone wants to have peace and harmony in the family. 

Sometimes, however, a situation is so difficult, personalities clash so strongly, or other reasons cause such friction between you and your in-laws that being together is nigh unto impossible. So what can you do if you’re facing that kind of problem?  

First of all, we coach people not to try to resolve a family conflict during the holidays because it can then create all sorts of difficult memories for all the future holidays.  You need to go directly to your in-laws—maybe one-on-one. Get together, try to exchange some pleasantries. Go for a walk or at least be somewhere neutral without distractions. Look at your in-law(s) and just say, “I love your daughter (or your son).” Then add, “I want to wish you a merry Christmas. There may be some things that we could talk about after Christmas, but I just really wanted you to know that I am love you and want to enjoy this time with us all together.”

At this point, however, you don’t want to get into a long discussion of the issue or hurt that has happened. In this first encounter, simply affirm that you are celebrating Christmas with them, that you are thankful that you can all be together. Leave it at that. This paves the way for you to have a holiday celebration without having to ignore what they feel is “the elephant in the room.” Later however, after the holidays, you’ll need to address it. 

You might first go to the in-law one on one—after you’ve done a lot of praying, of course! (In fact, ask your friends to pray about this.) Your mother- or father-in-law needs to look into your eyes, hear the tone of your voice, and see your humility. Explain why you feel hurt. Reach out. Explain that you want to make it right for the sake of your spouse and your kids. Let the focus be on you. Take responsibility.

Realize that you won’t be able to change your in-law, no matter how much you may want to or how much he or she needs it. Romans 12:18 says, “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”

Of course, as you do all of this, ask God for wisdom. You need boundaries so you don’t allow yourself to be walked all over or torn apart in front of your kids, or whatever. You need to be clear, concise, and honest. You may not be able to solve the situation, but you might at least be able to come to a truce that will allow your spouse and kids to be able to visit the grandparents and have happy holidays together in the future.

 *For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

I Need Time to Process!

Q: Sometimes I just need to be by myself to think things through. How can I communicate this to my spouse without him/her thinking I’m hiding something?

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A: When you and your spouse are in conflict, one of the important things for you both to do is stay in connection with each other. However, we also know that some people are “internal processors,” so they don’t necessarily come to resolution by talking it out.

If you need to sort things out alone and over the course of some time, communicate to your spouse that time alone gives you the chance to consider the situation from all angles, to pray, and to cool off (if needed) and think rationally. Stepping away may make perfect sense to you, but realize that this leaves your spouse with great anxiety unless you communicate.

Your spouse will fear abandonment or rejection. Give assurance to your spouse that you’re going to come back together to discuss the issue further. Put a timeline on it so it doesn’t just get lost in the noise of other daily activities. In other words, explain why you’re stepping away, but also promise that you’ll deal with the issue in fifteen minutes or tomorrow after breakfast or whenever.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!