Money Talk Strengthens Marriage

Finances are a notoriously tough subject for couples to discuss, but talking about them is actually good for your relationship!

A survey conducted by Ramsey Solutions found topics like money goals and dreams are important for spouses to talk about. 87% of couples who said their marriage is “great” also said they and their spouse work together to set long-term goals for their money, compared to just 41% who said their marriage is “okay” or “in crisis.”

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Keeping those money conversations going seems to also be important. Those who said they have a “great” marriage are almost twice as likely to talk about money daily or weekly compared to those who say their marriage is “okay” or “in crisis.”

(source: Dave Ramsey/Ramsey Solutions, “Money, Marriage, and Communication”)

One of the tough money conversations couples have to navigate is whether to tithe, and how much. Many couples have shared with us they feel as though they don’t have enough money to tithe and they wonder if it’s even that important.

The first question we would ask you is: Have you and your spouse gone over your budget in great detail so you know exactly what’s coming in and how much is going out? Have you really taken a strong look at the details of your budget?

Cash flow can be a real drain on a couple. The very first step is to really dig into the details of your budget. Often it is best to have a third party involved, too, because he or she might help you pinpoint areas where you’re spending that you don’t even think about. Another option is to spend thirty days tracking every expense you make, no matter how small. Take a little spiral notebook and every time you spend cash for something, write it down. That can be a real eye opener and help you see where you might be bleeding money.

But let’s go one step further. Maybe you’ve done that exercise and trimmed your budget to the core; there’s nothing else that is discretionary in your budget. What we’ve told people is that God wants you to be out of debt. He wants you to be debt free. Debt robs you of the joy of giving and actually puts you in the position where you’re the servant. Given that scenario, there are two areas of resources that you have—time and money. If you cut back some on the resource of money that you’re giving to your church, maybe you can give of your time and talents. Then get your financial debts paid off so that you can joyfully tithe once again.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

On the Same Parenting Page

According the Pew Research Center, American parents across demographic groups say the way they approach parenting – and the concerns they have about their children – vary in some significant ways between mothers and fathers, as well as across generations and racial, ethnic, and socioeconomic groups.

Researchers found mothers are also more likely than fathers to describe themselves as a parent who sometimes gives in too quickly. Overall, the same share of parents say they give in too quickly as say they stick to their guns too much (43% each). Among moms, half say they sometimes give in too quickly, while 38% say they sometimes stick to their guns too much. Dads’ answers are nearly the mirror opposite: half say they sometimes stick to their guns too much, while 35% say they sometimes give in too quickly.

(source: Pew Research Center, “Parenting in America”)

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We hear from so many parents who feel they are the “bad guy” when it comes to disciple and they wonder how they can get their mate more involved with it comes to disciplining the kids.

This can be another area where opposites can complement each other. In our family, Barb was the “no” and Gary was the “yes” when it came to the kids. We laugh about it today, but at the time it was tough. We look back, however, and see that Barb was strong at creating boundaries and structure, while Gary was far more able to give our girls “wings,” releasing them, helping them make their own decisions. The balance was good for our kids.

The biggest suggestion we make is that if you are disagreeing about your disciplining of the children, you must disagree outside the earshot of the kids. If dad is being heavy-handed about something (we’re not talking abuse here, just strict discipline) and mom disagrees, then mom must wait to say anything until she and dad can talk privately. Then, if something is misunderstood or needs to change, it can happen after the fact. You as parents must always present a united front to their kids; otherwise, the kids will wise up, circumvent you, manipulate you, and pit you against each other. That just leads to chaos.

Also understand that each of your children is very different (as if you didn’t know that already!). Different genders and different stages of life demand different parenting strategies. Treating all your children the same doesn’t work, treating a boy and a girl the same doesn’t work, and treating boys and girls at different stages the same doesn’t work. Communicate beforehand when possible what would be the best disciplinary strategy for that particular child for that particular infraction.

Parenting is hard work, and it helps for both of you to be on the same page as much as possible. Learn together to be reflective and prayerful. Discipline with love and consistency. Those are some of the best gifts you can give to your children.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

The Road to Forgiveness

Have you ­ever been hurt by your spouse, burned in some way by the husband or wife you trusted? If you ­can’t answer yes to that question, you either ­haven’t been married long or you married the proverbial angel! Couples won’t get far in their marriage before tripping over at least a few relational transgressions.

We have all been on the offending side of conflict, and we have all been on the receiving end, feeling the pain of hurt and disappointment. Whether you were hurt or caused the hurt, ­every­ offense in a marriage needs a resolution. Tragically most couples are without a clue about how to deal with offenses and regain the health of their relationships. Why? Because few have learned how to move past their disappointments. So rather than heal the hurt, they allow their hearts to harden. Frustrations and conflicts go unresolved.

Husbands and wives need a love that allows them to begin their relationship afresh after they hurt one another, a love that would enables them to move past offenses both large and small. The first secret to a lasting love is forgiving love, a love that heals hurts and helps spouses feel accepted and connected again.

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As we have worked with couples over the years, we have noticed a painful pattern for dealing with offenses in marriage. It all starts when one spouse offends the other in some way. Offenses may be major, or they may be as minor as hanging the roll of toilet tissue the “wrong” way.

Regardless of the severity of the painful incident, if it is dealt with quickly, it will have minimal consequences on the relationship. But many times the offender is unaware of the pain he or she has inflicted or is in no hurry to correct the situation. This leaves the offended spouse vulnerable to more hurt, just as a cut or abrasion in the skin may become infected if it is not cleansed. And the hurt only lingers or becomes worse until the offense is resolved. When hurt is not addressed, anger develops, and anger often prevents conflicts from being resolved peacefully.

One of the things we discovered when we went to God’s Word is that God never said, “Don’t be angry.” He said, “In your anger do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26, niv). Anger itself is not sin, but handling anger inappropriately may lead to sin—hurtful words, bitterness, or violence. Just as it can be difficult for us to recognize hurt, it can also be difficult to spot anger. As long as you deny that you feel angry over your unresolved disappointments and hurts, you won’t deal with the problem. But we guarantee: Where there is an offense, there is hurt. And where there is unresolved hurt, there is anger.

It is crucial to admit that our anger exists. We need to be open to what God can teach us whenever our emotions are stirred so strongly. You may find it difficult to admit and work through the hurt and anger caused by your spouse. But the process is often necessary to restore the acceptance and connection that results when you practice forgiving love in your marriage.

God has provided a biblical way to address anger and disarm the offense-hurt-anger pattern that robs your relationship of intimacy and connection. Whenever you experience the downward spiral of unresolved offenses, hurt, and anger, you have two options.

First, you can simply ignore the offense and the hurt while allowing the anger to fester. But beware: This will take your marriage to a sad place you never dreamed you would go. You may continue to stuff your unresolved feelings deep inside, resulting in bitterness, resentment, and depression. You may explode, venting pent-up anger without regard for how it wounds and alienates your spouse. Either way, by failing to break the negative pattern, you continue to wear each other down.

But you have a second option. It’s called forgiving love. When you face hurt and anger, you can decide to resolve the conflict. That’s the biblical way to deal with the offense-hurt-anger pattern. What we want to work toward—as individuals and as couples—is a commitment to address the pain and anger, to resolve the conflicts, to forgive the offender, and to renew the relationship. The goal is to bring the relationship to a place of healing, wholeness, and openness, helping you feel accepted and connected again.

Forgiving love safeguards your marriage by healing hurts and helping you feel accepted and connected. It’s the love that brings you and your spouse back together when the inevitable offenses of a married relationship have pushed you apart. It’s the first love ­every marriage needs if it’s going to last. And it’s a love that is securely rooted in God’s love for us.

Practically speaking, biblical forgiveness means that we actively choose to give up our grudge despite the severity of the injustice done to us. It ­doesn’t mean that we say or feel, “It ­didn’t hurt me” or “It ­didn’t really matter.” Many disappointments wound us deeply. But after we recognize the hurt, we should choose to let it go. And when we cause the hurt, we seek that same release from those we offend.

When you exhibit the grace of forgiving love toward your spouse, you change the entire tone of your marriage. Marriage becomes a safe place where you ­don’t have to hide your foibles and your failings. Instead of feeling scrutinized and condemned for your shortcomings, you feel accepted and forgiven.

When we forgive, we reap one-of-a-kind benefits. We are able to cast off the bondage of carrying an offense ­only God can bear. That’s the supernatural power of forgiveness. Through it, God allows us to start over. In fact, forgiving love allows a relationship to grow deeper and become more meaningful.

*For more about how to unlock the biblical secrets to a marriage that stays vibrant and strong for a lifetime check out our book 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love in our online bookstore!

Work Together on Housework

It’s an argument as old as marriage: Who helps out most around the house? In a recent survey, more than half of married couples in the United States said sharing household chores is “very important” to a successful marriage. But when it comes to grocery shopping and cooking, women tend to say they’re the ones usually doing the work, according to a time-use survey sponsored by the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

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In U.S. households consisting of parents and one or more children under the age of 18, 80% of mothers say they are the household member who usually prepares the meals – the same as the share who say they are the primary grocery shopper, according to a Pew Research Center analysis. Some 71% of moms say they primarily handle both chores.

This compares with about two-in-ten fathers in this type of household who say they are the person who usually prepares the meals (19%) or grocery shops (20%). About one-in-ten (11%) say they are the one who usually does both tasks.

In households with no children, men and women fill less of their time with these chores – but women still report spending more time in the kitchen. Overall, women spend 52 minutes a day on meal prep, vs. 22 minutes for men.

(source: Katherine Shaeffer, “Among U.S. couples, women do more cooking and grocery shopping than men,” Pew Research Center)

We’ve heard from many wives who say they want their husband to help out more around the house, but they also don’t want to nag about it.

This issue of nagging is really important. Women, understand that your man wants—yes, even needs—to hear respect and to know that he’s loved and he’s doing okay. He doesn’t want to hear his mom’s voice from you. Men, understand that your wives need to hear from you the same thing—that they’re doing okay, meeting your needs, pleasing you.

Your home is a reflection on you. Now that you’re blending two upbringings, two lifestyles, two ways of doing things (make the bed or don’t make it?), you’re bound to experience some friction. So how can you communicate how you feel without becoming a nag?

Our encouragement is to understand that nagging comes off as critical. Spouses need to be more creative than critical. Think of ways to get the job done together. Use it as a connecting time. Turn the hot spot into a positive time. Talk to each other. Be honest about why it’s so important to you that the garage be cleaned—and then set aside a day to do it together with a reward at the end of dinner and a movie. Seek to lighten each other’s loads and then willingly follow through because you love your spouse so much!

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!

Why Not Just Live Together?

It’s a question we’ve been asked many times: “Why should we get married? Isn’t living together easier?” We know many young adults are keenly aware of the fragility of marriage today. They see so many people getting divorced (in many cases, their own parents) and they often know firsthand the heartbreak of divorce. So often they believe they will forgo marriage and just live together – with the mistaken notion that if it doesn’t work out, they can call it quits and it won’t hurt at all.

Recent research from the Pew Research Center shows that the share of U.S. adults who are currently married has declined modestly in recent decades, from 58% in 1995 to 53% today. Over the same period, the share of adults who are living with an unmarried partner has risen from 3% to 7%. While the share who are currently cohabiting remains far smaller than the share who are married, the share of adults ages 18 to 44 who have ever lived with an unmarried partner (59%) has surpassed the share who has ever been married (50%), according to a Pew Research Center analysis of the National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG).

(“Marriage and Cohabitation in the U.S.” by Horowitz, Graf, and Livingston, Pew Research Center)

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Often, people think living together before marriage (cohabitation) seems like a good way to get some of the benefits of marriage and avoid the risk of divorce. Many young couples are saying to themselves, “If we’re going to marry for life, then we need to have a test run first.” Sounds logical, right?

Cohabiting may seem like a good idea at first, yet the consequences are significant. By just “testing out” whether you can be married, you’re already starting on the wrong foot. You see, marriage is based on a commitment that you’ll stay together for better or worse. By living together with the option to get out if things go bad, you’re not actually trying out marriage at all.

Far better to take your time in any relationship. Make sure you have a friendship. Seek advice from trusted friends and guidance from God. Enter marriage with your eyes wide open and the back door closed. Enter marriage with the idea that it is for keeps. Then, as you weather the storms together, you are that much stronger for it.

Here are five reasons living together before you’re married isn’t a good idea:

1. Maladjustment and high probability of divorce. You get married and then have to work out a whole new way of dealing with each other than when you were just living together. This in itself causes stress on the marriage that wouldn’t be there otherwise.

2. Sexual difficulties. Oftentimes sexual dissatisfaction will develop. In order to live together, couples often use the excuse that they need to find out if they’re sexually compatible. Problem is, they are again “testing” in the wrong venue—with the option to get out, look for others, or even have sex with others during the “living together” period. Marriage changes all that, often for the worse in the minds of cohabiters.

3. Comparison issues. Dissatisfaction begins to haunt your marriage bed, which may explain why married couples who didn’t live together before marriage have more satisfying sex than couples who had lived together before marriage.

4. Eroded trust. If you were both willing to compromise before you got married, that lingers over your marriage. If you both were willing to take short cuts before you got married, what will stop either of you from cutting the corners once or twice after you’re married?

5. Biblical disobedience. We guarantee you: It’s not God’s will.

*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It's available in our online bookstore!